At the end of the day, only God's love really counts. Flowers and words and the best trinkets and conversation only go so far before you realise the strange emptiness that it all leaves, and what is sad, sad, sad is that when you get so much you only want even more. The Lord alone can truly satisfy every one of our needs, and the moment we take our eyes off Him -
- we just lose it all, even that with which we were once content.
My goodness, has it been about 2 months since I last posted something?
A variety of things have come and gone, with many things changed. Including myself who's been morphing with each day. Somehow I've become painfully self-aware, which is all part of growing up, but on the flip side it does lead to greater self-consciousness.
In a way this leads to a lot more caution and reserve with words. Words have never taken on that much significance in my life until this point, and that's possibly because I now realise how much power words have to give life (edify, encourage, build up) and to kill (destroy, criticise, judge). Another compelling reason is because I realise just how much emphasis I've placed on my own words for self-definition. Going back to the very basics, it's as simple as being worried over whether my jokes are more corny than funny, whether I sound really smart or really idiotic, whether I come off as being pleasantly child-like or foolishly naive. Also, oratory has always played a large part in building up one's reputation or perceived integrity/character as in ancient Greek and Corinth. In the similarly academic and rhetorical realm of undergrad English literature you could build an empire for yourself by smoking around with words. I now realise that in real society you can't. Well you can try to, but after a while these words will fall flat on you and destroy you. Interviews, presentations, initial impressions and promises all hinge on those words - but after a while when you let your empty self reveal itself through the curtains of those words you wonder if you're really fit for anything anymore.
The worse thing is - and I suspect that this is more true - that you really could be fit for something to begin with but along the way you've just lost confidence in your very self to carry it through. If I know that people are always going to fail, how then do I take their promises with constructivism? If I know that I
will fail, what can I even utter?
I suppose growing up also encompasses an increasing ability to break free of that self-consciousness. I've really got to find a confidence that's not rooted in my abilities or appearance, but in God who's unshakable, unmovable and absolutely trustworthy in spite of my failings.
God help me.
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