'tis a rainy Deepavali day in for me today, playing mahjong with my family (the table is permanently out in front of the tv now), studying for the Final Theory test (for a driver's licence), soaking my feet in a negative ion detox solution for an hour, listening to Jon Courson's funny sermon on the Beatitudes, cooking a roast meal with my mom for lunch. I'm so thankful for this season of rest that Daddy's given me in these 2-3 months, because from January onwards I don't think I'll have this luxury until er, pregnancy.

Which is NOT in the near future unlike what some of you think.

So I'm really thankful for this time when I have the freedom to wake up late, cook and bake, meet people, take up driving lessons, write and practise music. I expected to teach at schools and receive an untrained teacher's salary in these couple of months, but MOE said it was too late in the year for me to be appointed. So that left me with the pitiable remnants of my scholarship money to survive on till beginning of Feb next year - which meant no driving lessons in this time, no money to purchase home recording equipment to practise and record my songs, not very much money for going out and all. Yes I know I'm not flat broke and I don't quite classify into the poverty circle (I've got to watch my heart and not take things for granted here), but in a way it left me lost for how I could productively use these couple of months on my hands.

Then the separation occurred, and it was a painful time of not knowing what the future held. But it was also a time of properly seeking the Lord afresh, of reorganising priorities and paradigms and expectations, of healing. A time of wandering in the desert, but also a time of refilling and restoring. Peace was laced with pain, and pain consumed by joy yet again. The Lord was ever near and His presence ever assuring, and it was in that precious time of clinging desperately onto the Lord that I felt His sweetness, His touch, and His love fill me anew and again.

And many things popped up, strangely, in that time of separation. A songwriting and recording contract for at least the next 3 months came up and I'll be working with a Christian and non-commercial (yes!) label to write and record songs till NIE and perhaps even through NIE. Shortly before the separation I also joined CSMusic (Christian Songwriters Music, Singapore) to help with PR and Publicity. Fascinating to learn bit by bit about events organising, liaising, the songwriters circle in Singapore, and so on. Feel like a little girl on the team, but I'm glad they accepted this newb on board. :) Other opportunities to sing and serve popped up - a small cosy Christmas concert for the church, a 600-1000 meeting for PRC 'intellectuals' in Singapore, the CCIS stage in front of Plaza Sing on 24th Dec.

It's crazy I tell you. I'd prayed, and He was incredibly faithful in opening one door after another without my need to strive and search for opportunities. All that I really desired in this time naturally fell into place as Jesus promised in Matthew 6. And what's even more incredible is that these aren't even things that I desperately needed in order to survive, but what I silently wished for and desired. As with a little girl looking into a candy store. Daddy knows our hearts so clearly, and yearns to give us what we desire insofar as they bring us closer and closer, not to the little trinkets we get, but to the fount of true Contentment and Joy.

Psalm 126: 'those who sow in tears will reap in joy'. These strange few months of dryness, pain and confusion have somehow birthed a new season of productivity, growth, Love and purpose-drivenness. Perhaps there were many elements warring about in the unseen realm in order that things were brought to fruition in the seen. I don't know about that, but I do know that God is faithful and is every bit worth holding onto to and trusting in whenever there's an incredible amount of pain and struggle. Because He has a truly good reason for everything He does and allows, and promises that we'll be alright at the end of the day, really.

The relationship has sealed its second season of rebirth and recommitment to God as of yesterday. After a time of surrender and dying to the relationship on both our parts, He brought us together again with greater wisdom, understanding and love on each side, as well as greater resolve to run this darnedly difficult race. It's, again, amazing and miraculous to see how He managed to pick up the pieces from the pits... but He did. And He says that His grace is all we need, so I'm taking His word for that. Meanwhile I've grabbed Gary Chapman's book on The Five Love Languages and Now You're Speaking my Language about communication in marriage hehehe. But really, all I need is a full dose of God everyday, every waking minute, every sleeping hour.

In Ailin's lingo, Daddy r0x0rs.
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