'tis been a really stressful, high-strung week. Guess it's 'cuz I'm really starting to do work for NIE, so that meant a lot more reading than last week. Assignments and deadlines are starting to set in. Apart from that song arrangements for the album are just about done so I have to start reviewing, critiquing and practising the songs to prepare for the recording phase. I'm paid to write some worship devotions, but those are taking a back seat now because of all the other commitments. On top of that, family and the relationship, and driving, and CSMusic songwriting workshops with Martin Tang (producer and arranger for Lee Hom, A*Mei, Coco Lee etc.), and other miscellaneous things and meetups with people...
... just make me really drained out, stressed and tired at the end of the day. Above it all I realise that I'm stressed not because of all these activities per se. But because I've placed so much
expectation on myself to manage all these well. And I haven't. I'm flustered all the time because I don't want to let anything slip or offend anyone. And when people don't seem to be appreciative or understanding it does hit you quite hard. And that gets me even more perched on my toes, more flustered - because I'm not doing this right, or that right, or...
And when there're communication breakdowns, when there's the inability to find comfort and peace despite your prayers, when your health starts to take a toll on you, when you just lose confidence in yourself all over and find yourself a wreck because you've been crying till 1 am
you know something's really wrong.
And that, is when the few, simple words of "I love you" ring boldly, clearly and truly. Because they remind you of who you really, really are.
Then, you stop bustling, you stop doing. You start 'being' all over again.
"Because you are precious and honoured in my sight, and because
I love you, I will give men in exchange for you..." Isaiah 43
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Monday, February 09, 2009
Guess God never stops in crafting and moulding. For some time I felt as if I've backslid somewhat, what with all that emotional turmoil and doubting and fearing. Took a while for me to realise that He's actually bringing me out of that nice comfy spiritual baby-phase and bringing me into a time of spiritual adolescence.
Took me a while to realise that when Jesus meant 'born again' He really meant rebirth. We become babies all over again, and instead of all the rubbish that our past has fed us, God's now raising us under His own parenthood. We're babies again.
Sad thing is many people don't ever want to come out of that baby phase. Why should they want to? It's sure comfy in there. You get looked after, fed, you're feeling spiritually high and close to Daddy a lot of the time, your prayers are answered. Seems pretty nice.
But it's pretty sad if we just demand that kind of treatment when we're supposed to age spiritually... after all, who calls it 'cute' anymore when a 15-year old starts throwing tantrum like a 5-year old?
So I've realised that from the point I was born again in J2, York was really my nesting and feeding ground. I was happy a lot of the time (as far as I can remember), the environment was greatly conducive for spiritual nurturing and growth, people were forgiving and nice and understanding, and there was great support. I grew so much in those 3 years!
But London was the start of teenage-hood, and coming back to Singapore is right into the angsty throes of teenagehood where all sorts of adolescent problems start to surface: identity, heightened self-awareness and self-consciousness, transition from baby-ness to mature responsibilities. Suddenly I'm back and I have to deal with all sorts of things like taking care of parents' needs and finances and HDB and lawyer matters. And soon to come, of course, is the workplace where I can't afford to baby around anymore. Good thing is - and I give many thanks for this - God's clearly bringing about a gradual transition so all the sifting and maturing occurs a bit at a time. It's painful 'cuz it seems so difficult sometimes. But at least I'm aware now that He hasn't stopped his work and I haven't backslid as I thought. He's taken me a level higher, and is busy sifting those impurities and unwanted rubbish away from the person He's created me to be so I can be restored, free, and truly
happy."Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." James 1:2-5More than ever, I feel that I'm just utterly lacking in wisdom. Don't have the wisdom in managing family politics especially when I'm caught in between all of them at once; don't have the wisdom to manage or tend to other people's needs because I'm just so caught up with my own; don't have the wisdom to say the right things at the right time to the right people. Hence screwup after screwup, and tears beget more tears. But the promise is that whoever sows in tears shall reap in joy... and I thank God for being my justice, wisdom and love in trying and difficult times.
Father I ask for wisdom, and I ask for boldness to apply that wisdom!
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