oh wow - I feel the heat and pressure of things, of new things starting to move their gears and start up a new phase in all of our lives, though some, admittedly, have already begun theirs. Getting more and more emails of "Hey when's everyone going back to York!!", and during various times of Thunderbirding I graced Lucy and Laura's emails which exploded with new addresses, contact details, Lille, France, excitement, uncertainty and a sense of missing everyone in York; a while ago it was Karen moving up to Oxford; and then there were other emails of late which resurfaced memories and faces of people I used to see pretty much every week - Meiyin, Heng Chin, Mike, Jen, Mark... the pressures of the essay and getting a 2-1 bring me back to times of mugging in York and projections of my third and final year. here I resolve to be a mugger when I return, but will I have a heart still and resolute enough to be one? I can't afford to play around with my grades anymore. But, ah, God, I need God in the equation, not just my own will and fortitude.

These two weeks have slowed down because I got off work about a week-ish ago. I know I was supposed to type up on it long ago but I've been feeling too lazy to do so. It was a good experience; I got to see things from the government and policy-planners' perspective, got to see how misunderstood they always are and how senseless people are in making complaints against the government sometimes. They always assume that the policy planners don't know any better and they don't know the ground - but most of the time actually they do and are trying to implement changes... only to meet resistance and disruptions from the ground itself. It's the teachers lah. If they're ill-equipped and unwilling to make changes in the first place, why does the whole world put the blame on the government? And about the exam system... yes, it's possibly the main factor which drives us all nuts, parents, teachers and principals included, but actually what's the force that's keeping these exams in place? Not anyone in particular, but possibly everyone as a certain collective force. I guess anything institutionalised is bound to have one foot in hell. Sighs. Ok, sorry for my rant! Besides all these, I had very honest exchanges with several colleagues, who painted a bleak but honest picture of a scholar's life and the reality of overtime and mania during teacher-training and the initial years of becoming a teacher. Ho hum. Was quite worried for a while, but hey, after praying I knew that since God has brought me to it, He'll deal with it :) Guess that's the confidence one gets from knowing God's will for certain. Other encouraging experiences during my internship at MOE included a prayer session and several encouraging talks with older sisters-in-Christ at the workplace; it's exciting to see everyone's nurturing and loving heart working towards the same purpose of spreading Christ's Love. Also I got to read a report of syllabus changes to be implemented by 2009, went on trips to a goat's farm (ha! like a school excursion indeed!), to NIE to talk to a lecturer and to attend a seminar briefing on research findings and syllabus changes to the NIE board of directors, etc. Feel quite honoured to have met this many 'important' people (no not the goats) at such a young age. Also I feel heartened that the education system (for EL at least) is gearing its pupils up for more reading and talking... hopefully the teachers will be trained well enough to receive the changes.

Pay rise for teachers, woohoo. You go, Tharman (Minister for Education).

Older brother left for Canada last week and the week before that was a week of sobbing and lots of wakeup calls. It was the week of hospitalisations (after my dad and grandma were discharged my aunt/godma was hospitalised for a bladder problem as well) and it really, really started to dawn on me how fragile a life was. Honestly, it got me worried even more for my non-plant-eating friends, because one thing all these people (dad, grandma, aunt) have in common is the fact that they eat lots of meat and hardly any vegetables. And having seen my dad spend such a bomb on his operation, and my stepmom crying her eyes out because of worry... sighs. Ailin dear, please start eating vegetables ok. At least for your friends and family around you. =\ But anyways, it was a week when God exposed my superficial level of love for my dad, because when he had a minor heart attack none of us in the family had the urge to visit him in the hospital. I simply showed superficial concern, and visited him only after 2 days because I prioritised other things above my dad's health. Leading up to the day we visited him, my bro and dad exchanged some nasty words over SMS, and they were words of disappointment, unforgiveness, accusations and hurt accumulated over the past ??? years. My bro came close to not visiting my dad, but we did on the 3rd day anyway. When we saw my dad he was grumpy and very obviously unhappy... later on he summoned the courage to tell us about his disappointment and the guilt just struck me so badly. He isn't a Christian, but later on he stretched out his hands and said, "Shall we pray?" The three of us bowed our heads and my bro and I humbly asked God and him for forgiveness... we raised our tear-streaked faces again and my dad was all smiles.

Then we had to deal with my mom back home... this incident brought back lots of horrible memories which she thought she had surrendered, but hadn't. God used it to reveal more of the unforgiveness and bitterness she had inside her heart, and one night it got so dramatic she came to me in tears and we prayed till she screamed and laid on the bed, sobbing. My heart was so broken as well... and thank God she was redeemed that night. I went to work the next day groggy and puffy-eyed, but she left my room that night recharged and renewed - ever since then family outings have been charged with even more peace and love.

Dad had a physical heart operation, but all of us had a spiritual heart operation!

Went to Pulau Ubin the other day to cycle, with my younger bro, dad and mom. It was nice. :) P. Ubin's this offshore island thingy with, err, more mosquitoes, foliage, coconuts and wild boars than the developed suburbia of mainland Singapore. My parents were so natural around each other. -grins and contented sigh- Answered prayers. Thank You God, what would I do without You?







And for these couple of days the bible passages have been a good reminder for me to look beyond myself and to look up to God. The same message keeps repeating from sermons, QTs, devotionals, people, etc. "God's in CONTROL of EVERYTHING." That is reassuring but it's also scary, scary because there're so many things I'm so unwilling to let go of. God's in control - of my results and my next year beyond my 3rd year, and not just that; God's in control of the way the new youth service's going to turn out, God's in control of the church politics and discontentment amongst many of the youth; God's in control of my life and the lives of those around me..... and this last bit is the bit I feel really burdened over. For the past 2 days, notions of death and life keep confronting me, not just in my thoughts but through the book of Job and the lips of other people. Notions of losing the people I love most dearly, especially of losing my mom, of losing my younger brother... they're haunting me so intensely. And I'm afraid. I'm so afraid to lose them. Thoughts of mishaps occurring with my younger brother keep popping up. What if it happens so unexpectedly one day? I don't want it to, I don't want it to......

Devil, be gone!!!



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