Daddy why does this keep swirling on?
I know You have plans for me, and I know You're asking me to trust You. I do, and I want to, but does it have to be this difficult?"In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will..." Eph 1:11
I don't want to lose myself in the midst of it all; and yet I know you're asking that very thing - to lose myself so I can live proper. I can't and don't seem to want to fathom it, but please grant me the very faith to do it. I know Your grace is always sufficient.“For whoever wishes to save his 1life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it." Mt 10:25
Father it hurts so much to be dismissed and ignored by the very person you open up to. I suppose that was what you felt in Your Son Jesus; when every person you opened yourself to betrayed, dismissed, left and pierced you at the very end."But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities..." Is 53:3
Father if this is the way to love then let me continue on this way; but please, please, walk with me, hold me and guide me and comfort me. I know You will satisfy my needs in your own riches and in your own time."I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you." Ps 32:8
weak.
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Monday, September 14, 2009
has it been that long? goodness.
I've been so bad at updating this thing; then again, I've practically shut myself away from the world for a good 2-3 months and I'm only starting to see the light again. Have lost some weight, put on more eye rings; and realised how great the implications really are for my usual disorganised mess, over-love for freedom and from accountability, non-punctuality, deep insecurity about work and performance, and inability to deal with authority.
yes, and I realise the world outside of church really can't deal with other people's insecurities. what I see as pure, unabashed honesty becomes, to foreign eyes, signs of weakness.
A good gruelling 10 weeks of teaching practice. A good gruelling time, not just of work but of picking up and re-working at the relationship as well. I never thought I would have made it but God is incredibly faithful and strong. Drifted so far away from Him in this time but I'm so glad He patiently waited and watched, then lovingly brought me back to where He is again. <3
It's been such a strange two years. I've been comparing non-stop with the times I had - and the person I was - in York and at the end of the day I know it doesn't help. I was different in York, somehow; a complete opposite of who I am here sometimes. But perhaps the person that I have to grapple with at the end of the day is who I am today. It isn't a pretty picture, but at least it's real - and I'm learning to accept it.
I'm thankful, then, that God doesn't change. That despite failings and shortcomings 'He sees the depth of my heart and He loves me the same'. And, in a land starved of affirmation and love, and ridden with criticism, that Big Well of Love is the only thing that's going to sustain me and keep me sane. 'He rejoices over you with singing'.
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