Has it all been so fast? We've all been saying it in our last week of term but the reality of it is so hard to grasp, and even harder when I'm back home again. Where everything began, the hurts, the expectations, the stress, the familiarity, the convenience, the dreams, the past and the future. I don't know what to make of the 'present' anymore, except that God reminded this morning that it's all about being content in the present, wherever you are -

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Phil 4:11-13

It's only day 2 and I feel overwhelmed with a never-ending list of things I have to do and people I've got to meet. I'm not complaining about going out; there's already been things booked up next week and lunches and a birthday party and pending socials and dinners with friends from all over, from JC, even from primary school, from church - yesterday after I arrived I got a text from Gaius about a prayer meeting on Friday, a text from Bi Feng, a dear sister, with whom I chatted on the phone later, and a call from Tim just to check how I was, but the call ended soon enough, probably he wanted me to rest or to settle down abit more before I talk to him again. Don't know. It's a good thing, this busy business, but... necessarily good? I mean, I'd rather be going out and meeting people than be idling at home, but I don't think my mom would be to happy if I go out all the time, I don't wish to go out all the time because I'd like to see more of my family, and thirdly, I have this strange apprehension about meeting people here. I don't know why. Fear of expectations? I know I've changed. But I don't want people to look at me like I'm an angmoh-fied freak. I've become a lot more open. But I don't want people criticise my liberalism. I've become a lot more reserved in some areas due to God's guidance. But people will criticise me for being dogmatic. I want to evangelise. But I have to stand up to scrutiny. And somehow I find myself plunging into a society that's inherently hectic, not because of the amount of things to do because in York I was incredibly busy yet appreciated and loved the slow pace of life - here it's busy, busy, and the pace of life is maddeningly quick. Can I choose to reject this mania and live a pace I want to live, in a society such as this? I can't bring myself to cook anymore because I find it such a 'waste' of time and resources when there're a million other things to do. And I find so many ugly sides of myself surfacing once again - a mean competitiveness, keen jealousy, a blase disregard for people if I've got tasks at hand - and I know these have always been part of me but they needed an occasion or environment to emerge, so it's not Singapore that's making it worse, it's the lifestyle here that's allowing God and myself to deal with true colours.

Another potential 'stress' factor is, really, in dealing with friends... I'm not quite sure where everyone's at anymore. I've lost touch with where people are at, spiritually/academically/emotionally or in terms of their communication style, etc. so I feel a bit lost. Guess I'll have to take time to get used to people/lingo/accents again. My younger brother - he's changed so much. I find it so much harder to talk to him now, because he's rather closed up, even his mannerism and voice and everything's changed... he's grown so much. And less loony. Am I losing touch with someone I've always had a connection with?

And him, well. Can't help but feel odd talking to him. Are we just talking for the sake of talking or do we really want to go further in terms of just communication? And when we do see each other, what do we say? What about in a group? In a group we each have a right just to subtly ignore each other because it's so easy to get caught up in conversation with others. What, then? Is there anything left of this friendship we should pursue? We should. Shouldn't we? But how? And I really don't get if he's being cold or just uncertain and hence deliberately distanced. All I trust is that we're both in God and whatever we do, we're both accountable to God. May God teach us the steps to walk and to walk wisely... I don't want another painful summer and teary farewell on the 25th. -_-

The airport pickup was odd. My older brother, dad and mom were there, but one can't help but pick up the tensions and unnatural mannerisms. My dad was acting funny. My mom was acting funny. My brother was... normal. But the dynamics were just off. Don't get me wrong, they were absolutely lovely with me, hugged me for ages and my mom was even crying. But they were just funny around one another, and I feel like such a little girl around them I'm not even sure what I ought to do. and I'm not sure what I'm getting into this time I come home, but I trust that God has it worked out and He's got a plan for me to love them, whatever may come. God grant me patience and wisdom...

Talked to Jia Wen just now, and she was telling me about NIE (National Institute of Education, where I'll be going after UK) and how it's CRAZY about projects and assignments and lots of crazy work due in. Sense of foreboding... look at the 4-hour weekly schedules I have in York - yet another sense of apprehension about how I'll be adjusting back home again.

Not to worry though... who of worrying can add a single hour to his life? I know my life, even future, here, is secure in God's hands. He's been speaking every now and then and comforting me about His purposes for me, and I'm heartened at least that even when I'm pathetically woeful He still loves me, tenderly, and comforts me. Still... I feel like I'm getting lazy about spending time with Him and listening to Him too.

Eesh. It sounds like such a negative post, and my first one at that. I guess I need a rant, and I've got to get back to sleeping early too. Feel ill-disciplined, and out of touch. But tomorrow's always going to be a greater day, and I'm determined to get out, do some exercise, read some books. One good thing about typing this post is, now I understand even better what God meant when he wrote through Paul:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-7

Thank You, Father, thank You. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
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