Those who sow in tears will reap in joy - so says Psalm 126. the sackcloth of ashes is exchanged for a crown of beauty and glory, and hope persists despite the sheer logical hopelessless of situations. if not for God I'm afraid I would have given up somewhat.
but His voice tremors in the stillness of nights, saying 'why are you downcast, O my soul? why so disturbed? put your hope in God' (psalm 42-3).
and truly enough, as the dark cloud passes over there's finally a recognition that times of sheer weakness are not times of regression, but times of further purification and sanctification as when silver is purged of dross in the infernal fire. sometimes there's a constant bouncing to and from a state of goodness to that of lousy-ness... but therein an awareness of the
need for God is constantly renewed and heightened. I hope, I only hope that in the light of coming challenges... my strength in God will grow. 'lead me Lord, to the ground that is higher than I'.
sang last Friday at the songwriters showcase and it was unbelievable for the fact that there were so many screwups but God's power manifested nevertheless, or rather,
through those screwups. the encouragements and affirmations from people were profuse, and it's exciting to see what God will be leading me onto next. :) fragments of a once-impossible dream coming together?
currently in between things. finished my dissertation and have yet to start work, so I'm taking advantage of this time to 1) slack, 2) read more, 3) clear my room and finally unpack those boxes. Besides the first I think the rest still need a lot more work. But I'm happy. :)
I haven't even started work and I need a beach getaway holiday! going to sentosa tomorrow, yay. that's about the closest I can get to a getaway island holiday in light of the dismal figures in my bank account. Pound, O Pound, why aren't you up?
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Monday, September 22, 2008
there's that dreaded feeling that I'm getting my feet stuck in the sloppy mud and sinking. I can think of a million reasons; not getting fellowship support, not getting plugged into church life and serving, not having this, not that, and so on. But although valid they're pretty lame. Where have my heart and my eyes turned to?
sometimes I wish I could just fly away to a secluded island for 3 days and have that quietness restored back to me again. that space of good-loneliness where it's just God and me, singing love songs to each other on a beach. a mountaintop retreat and experience I need so badly again.
jaded and weary; and I haven't even started work yet. petty woes and insidious lies from the evil one abound. I never knew that these things can bother me, even cloud me for days. I've never seen this side of me before all these years. so what happened? is God slowly surfacing all these ugly realities of myself... or have I really regressed?
where is that joy and gladness that accompany a heart totally in love with God and caring less about so many other trifles in the world? I cry, but the white ceiling above responds.
Daddy I need You so badly.
(I'm sorry for all these sappy posts. seems as if I turn to words as a form of solace only when something's biting at me. I shall bear it in mind to write happier things when I'm less of a whiner.)
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Sunday, September 07, 2008
it's either confidence-dashing, or humbling, or both. Over these past few months I feel like a child all over again: learning how to walk a step at a time, to discover and control muscles I totally couldn't feel before, to face and brace and embrace pain as if for the first time. to learn dependence.
but because this 1 year of knee and back ordeals have completely dashed my confidence in my body - where I used to have brash over-confidence and blazed my way blindly through all sorts of forests - I discover myself now to be weak-willed, horribly vulnerable, timid, over-cautious, self-pitying. even socially inept.
with all the layers torn away I might have become truer to myself. or have I lost a confidence that really should be stronger now with Christ?
"For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." Phil 1:21
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Tuesday, September 02, 2008
what
is jealousy?
all along I've thought it was an over-wrought, over-anxious, over-dominating complex of insecurity and trust-lessness, but it never struck me until now that a man's jealousy might stem from his fierce desire to protect. Or mirror, even originate from, God's own very jealous heart because of the passion He has for our precious hearts.
but there're so many fine lines to draw, if they can be drawn at all. humans after all aren't God, and how do we know what's right or wrong? There doesn't seem to be a way to understand the practical constituents of good-natured human jealousy, especially when the heart is deceitful and has a knack for confusing things.
but if there's something that keeps popping up over these two days it's the notion that attraction is still attraction no matter how small, or whether it's couched in innocuous phrases like 'we enjoy each other's company but there's no way we can imagine ourselves together' or 'I'm just expressing an objective appreciation for the person's qualities/musicianship/flair/eloquence,etc'. There is still attraction, and it occurs on all levels regardless of age difference, distance, reality (eg. TV),
practical possibility of things ever developing.
which is why I too am feeling jealous.
Still, I wonder what God's trying to say. Is He preparing us both for temptations to come, warning us to be cautious about boundaries and relationships with other people; cautious about our own frail, wandering hearts?
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in question
still a fluffball after all these years, only settled down on the little isle. 22 and always the Lord's little girl.
in store
Isaiah 54
'Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back, lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes.'
