there're things that I'm finding really endearing in Singapore. simple things - simple, beautiful things. A man checking on his rows of chicken eggs in a van; an old lady packing my 1kg of mangosteens; coffeeshop uncles gathering around for kopi and late night chats; cheesy beer girl outfits that probably once received flak for 'indecent' exposure and so have been through moderation, with confused results; the fact that life really centers around food, etc. I guess things don't have to be complex even though it's a city with materialism scribbled all over the pavements. If it's one thing I find repulsive since I'm back, it's a mega shopping complex. But aside from that there're lots more things here, and going to Changi chalet this morning was entirely refreshing. The sea, the trees, the rain, the breeze - I sat on the sofa of an open-air sitting hall, soaking it all in.
I thought...
'twas a meaningful day; I like today.
Had a proper time with God this morning, after a while of essay-mania, travelling and restlessness I think this is the first proper time I've intentionally set things aside to seek Him for an isolated period of time. And it was good; a lot of things got sorted, and having been reminded of the essentials I felt more... ready. For anything I s'pose - uncertainties, people, thoughts and emotions. The sense of numb existence and indifference towards people that I've been feeling for the past 1-2 months started to peel away and continued to do so for the rest of the day. I feel far more alive and able to love now; able to look at things from other people's perspectives, not just my own.
It's this sense of security and quiet confidence in God that He's reestablished once again. I don't feel the impetus to prove myself to anyone, to blag, to be too vocal for everyone's own good, to necessarily... shine. This sense of quiet assurance is enabling me to
listen a lot better, and I pray that it'll stay this way...
And there's been quite a lot of listening today. Dad took me to his GP (who happens to be Lee Kuan Yew's brother, really really nice and sincere man!) for advice and medication on sinusitis and my still-slightly-swollen knee. Before that we had a nice filling lunch together and after the clinic I went up to his house for the first time, where I saw his workplace and Auntie P. It wasn't the least strange, and it was then I realised that I've totally climbed out of any sense of hurt or accusation regarding my dad, and I was truly willing to love and understand him. Going to his place was symbolic I suppose, a kind of entering into a private space with which I hadn't the slightest contact previously, symbolising not intrusion but a welcoming towards greater openness and intimacy. Dad and I were really natural around each other, and we talked about various things - his work, my graduation, people and relationships, food, etc. Auntie P was very eager to show that she likes and is proud of me as usual, but all in all I just feel really thankful that my dad and I have come this far over these few years by God's amazing grace. If he does move to Shanghai at the end of this year this might be one of the few last times I'll be able to see him, so I want to make it a point to spend more time with him this summer.
Following that I went to M's office at the school where I passed her a couple of cards and chatted with her, after which I headed over to the library to read for an hour-ish and then left again for the Chinese bible study group in church. Felt more ready to listen and learn rather than yak away; aside from that, I felt so much more open towards people and the relationships there. The numbness over the past 1-2 months have deadened my feelings and senses towards people, and when I was with them this evening I didn't have to put on a social mask of any sort because I felt genuine affection and warmth for and towards them...
When we came back mom and I started chatting about dad and various other things... and again God gave me the ability to listen (something I'm really lacking in a lot of the time). I did give my two cents worth at times, but felt a general desire to want to understand mom's perspective and thoughts not just because I want to be objective, but because I
want to listen, to nod, to smile - to understand.
God answers prayers really fast... just yesterday I was praying with Shiao En about 1) listening & just being around family more, and 2)indifference towards people, and after that good morning time of being transparent with God things just changed! Was quite uptight and anxious about accommodation in London over the past few days as well, but there's just a growing assurance in me that 'oh well, I'll do what I ought to do, apply for accommodation and all - but God will give me what is best'. Oh yes, God has also provided another unexpected lump sum of money today, and it brought my account balance way up! *_* always amaaazed at how He provides!
Enough rambling now, go off to bed I shall...
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Saturday, July 21, 2007
God is really really faithful.
I don't know how to put it in words except to say that since I'm back, everytime there's a true need of something He never fails to provide it, whether through 'coincidental' or unusual situations. For the various thoughts and worries that've been running through my head there's often always an answer in the morning when I wake up, an assurance of some sort; a statement that tugs at the root of it. Ps 46:10 for busy-ness of the soul and deep-rooted anxiety, Ps 45 for the lack of security, and so on. Once again I'm reminded that spiritual up-ness doesn't depend on the environment/country/fellowship nor on changing circumstances - God's the same always and forever, and the one thing I can always depend on no matter how much change there is around me.
I guess it is a relief to know where I'll be going for the next year after having been suspended for a week not knowing whether to prepare myself for NIE (National Institute of Education - teacher training!) or to slacken because London's two months away. NIE starts the day after - Monday, 23rd July - and that's really pretty soon after I touchdowned last week. The interview went really well, surprisingly; it didn't even feel like an interview. The panel was really easy-going and comfortable to talk to, and we laughed a lot. Got a call the next day which confirmed that I'll be sponsored for another year in London, so I'm really
thankful for that. :)
Trying to find accommodation now, which is a slight problem. Meiyin has kindly offered to look around for me, and I've emailed Graham to ask for any host families from churches. Two of Ma's lecturers in TTC (Trinity Theological College) also studied at King's once, and recommended this pretty swanky accommodation college called Goodenough College (what a name) - problem is I need references for them and my York tutors seem quite unwilling to respond. After all it is the hols...
So I was pretty anxious. After all I am staying there for a full 1 year so I'd like a pretty place to stay. But I'm learning to be still and to trust in God's provision. He'll provide in good time!
Was worried about money here too. Made a new pair of specs (wrecked my 2 pairs and had to wear Shan's 200 deg specs for 2 months) and I need a HDD to store pics and music that're bursting out of my current disk space, but I haven't got alot of money now. Surprise surprise, Auntie Faith texted me today to ask if I were free on Saturday to help her with tuition - so I get $50 from that, and who knows how many more times I'll be asked to help? Also, today after dinner Pa gave me a surprise $200 for my allowance. Grateful, I feel really grateful. These provisions just land so graciously on my lap just when I need them. Right. I shall let go and let God regarding accommodation...
The agenda for these 2 months: read, read, read, piano, piano, piano; catching up, baking, sleeping. :) And other random stuff that come my way...
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