A quick update, because I don't think I'll have time to blog here anymore (leaving for York on Saturday) -

I feel God's protection over my heart, and I'm really thankful for that because He knows I've got to get this essay done. All I've been reading these couple of days have been about fixing my eyes on the unseen, not what is seen, because what is unseen is eternal but what is seen is temporal. About praying 'Your Kingdom come, Your will be done', about lifting my hands and voice in praise even if circumstances are dire. About surrendering. Remember a few weeks back when I started getting paranoid about losing a member of the family? I was being paranoid indeed, because I'd let fear creep in, but it was certainly God's timely lessons about the reality (fragility) of life and about Him having control of our lives. I kept seeing death everywhere, hearing about death everywhere, reading about death and life in the bible......

My mom came back from the doctor's yesterady; she'd been suffering excessive bleeding from the nose and this year it got especially worse because it wasn't just blood that flowed out. I didn't know about it till I saw it with my own eyes in the lift; she never told me, she never told anyone, 'cept maybe my younger bro. Anyway, with much persuasion she went to the doc's and scheduled a hospital appointment for the 17th this month, but the doc said she may have a growth somehow somewhere. I was having breakfast 2 days ago and she came home then from the doc's and told me about these, then kept silent and said that if anything should happen, she was really most worried about Wei. He's just 13, just 13, and we don't have any other head in the family; we both cried and she made me promise her that if anything should happen I will bring my brother everywhere I go, and I won't move in together with my dad because she fears his negative influence (which I understand).

It's just the timing of everything that's scary. It's not the first time 'death' has brought its lessons those few weeks ago; nearing the end of my term in York there were a few occasions of such as well. And after returning to Singapore I was suddenly fully confronted by many of the real issues in the family because my parents started to regard me as an adult. Things like the house, insurance, financial assets and financial planning, my dad's wife, parenting my younger bro, etc. I probably haven't a clue about all those yet, but I'm just wondering if everything's just being laid out in a timely way to prepare for my mom's final departure.

I prayed about it, and realised it was such a much-needed lesson. Relationships have always been my hold on the world, my sense of security and support, and the person I'd call the real pillar of my life would be my mom - something I had forgotten about and taken for granted. I had repeatedly told God in my 1st and 2nd years in York (the idea did flash across my mind) that I wouldn't allow it that He should take her away, that I wouldn't be able to bear it, that I believed He wouldn't be so merciless. But here God was bringing me face to face with His sovereignty and the real extent of His love - that it's independent of circumstances and relentless even if He should perform the unexpected - and the need for me to surrender. I kept turning to Him to ask what would happen next, and there was nothing except confirmation following confirmation of the fact that there is grief in this world, but true joy in the eternal, and true joy in heaven. After a day and night of painful crying and forcing myself to lift my hands up and sing praise, I finally, willingly, prayed: God, if You should take her tonight, I will rest in Your peace, knowing that You have the right to do what is best. And I'll praise and love you all the same. After saying that I felt an insurmountable sense of peace and stillness - I knew that God's in control.

My sense is, nothing will happen to mom within the next year at least, maybe even the next 2 years? But I don't know...

All I know is -
God hears
God delivers
God's in control
and God loves.
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