Ah........................ it's just so... amazing to know that someone can be so so so
brilliant and capable, and extremely humble and down-to-earth at the same time. so mature, so funny, so...
-_- This sucks. Huge crush. But he's leaving back to the States this Sunday... which wrenches my heart but at the same time is cause for praise because GOD does things wonderfully - at least he's shutting this door completely and I can concentrate on things that're worth concentrating on. Oh, but. Argh! Feelings! Bleargh!
Yes, enough juicy news la. I'm doing fine in Singapore, guys. :) Beginning to settle in and feel really comfortable at home; at least I'm used to the pace of life and actually taking time on my own to enjoy the trees, birds, skies, etc. I'm so thankful that it's not urbanised to the point of having no nature to appreciate - at least there're flowers by the road and trees and what-nots. And the sky! Sometimes when it's mostly clear (and hot) it's really beautiful. And I walked by Esplande (this art centre in Singapore; it's by a bay) tonight I really loved it... the smell of salty sea air and glimmering lights of the cityscape; tall skyscrapers and people talking by the sea... yes, I can say I'm getting used to Singaporean life again.
Church-wise - settling in too. These few weeks have been a lesson of being independent of fellowship/friends and being dependent solely on God. Not saying that fellowship is bad - far from it! - but I've become so dependent on serving and community in York that I don't see the true picture of my spiritual fervency till I'm in Singapore, where there's a lack of close-knit spiritual support. And that's why I
seem to feel that I'm closer to God in York when that's not the case; I might feel so, but being back in Singapore's the true test of the depth of my relationship with Him. I find that there're so many things I need to be more obedient about, and so many things I've taken for granted... which is humbling and good, because it's teaching me to keep seeking and keep learning. :) God has been extremely faithful and guiding me step by step though, providing prayer partners and people to talk to at various appropriate times, establishing a new kind of transparency between my mom and I, and my bro and I (we connect so well now, and we're extremely close!!), rebuking me gently for various attitudes and thoughts, assuring me about His promises and love for me... ah, He's awesome.
Past 5 days have been quite tiring - went to a Public Policy seminar, organised by the Institute of Policy Development for government scholars. Mon-Fri, 9 am - 6ish pm ! It was really insightful 'cuz we were given broad overviews of our attitudes behind various policies, and it wasn't 'brainwashy' - I was well impressed by this fact! - because we were given space to vent our gripes, think of alternate perspectives, rebut and challenge the government's way of doing things. And we got to have dialogue sessions with various people from government departments, which was insightful. Paid a visit to social and prison centres too... and received a lot of information and insights on the education system. -wink- I'm proud to represent the MOE (ministry of education)! yeah, idealistic I know...........
But anyway, it's been AWESOME not only because of the info overload, I LOVE people and I've made tonnes of friends in the past week. Some of whom I just got to know and am getting along really well with - 3 other girls and I went to Max Brenner's for overpriced hot chocolate tonight and had a really girly talk... first time I had this kinda talk in ages. The names were rather daunting on the first day... MIT Cornell Chicago Duke Illinois Cambridge Oxford York Warwick Nottingham UCL Imperial Stanford myyyyy goodness........ quite a headful of brains contained in that one hall. scary.
Warmed up to people soon enough, and participated in discussions and debates quite actively. At a point of time I started asking myself again if I were being too 'boy-ish' (yes, as some of you deem me) for a girl, because I was speaking out more than a lot of girls in my group and being really opinionated and forthright about views, as I usually am... and there was a point when a couple of other scholars and I were talking about siblings and this guy asked me how many siblings I had. I responded, "2, both brothers" and he said, "ya, can tell" with a big grin. I wasn't offended of course :) But it got me thinking again about whether I was being too loud for my own good (and for the good of those around me). Started thinking, "huh? what ARE boyish qualities? Are good qualities like (aggressive)boldness and having an voiced opinion or even initiative be
exclusively male? How sexist! But, nonono, please I'm not heaping praises on myself ok, I know I'm incredibly clumsy and unrefined in a lot of ways :P and I'd like to add a disclaimer that these are purely thoughts about what independent qualities are deemed 'masculine' and 'feminine' - and it isn't fair that good attributes have to be ascribed to only one gender, e.g. that 'human intuition' and 'sensitivity' are mostly associated with females. Well, yeah, it's true they tend to be better in these things, but it doesn't give guys an excuse NOT to be sensitive if you get what I mean. Point made.
YES, anyway, I was starting to think about it, when I opened my eyes more to see the other girls (not in my team) around me, and yeah! they were actively voicing out their opinions, taking initiative, being assertive in their points, and I realise - hey! it's not just a guy thing la. Was more assured I guess. heck care! Just argue la! :D
And it was fun! Threshed out so many issues about government policy and foreign relations and pragmatism and what-nots. First time I'm properly using my brain since the hols started... ha. Hm. And the organisers fed us so well! My goodness! Breakfast. Then 2 hours later it's lunch. And about 3 hours later it's tea. And oh my goodness it's really filling stuff they have - lots of noodles, carbs, rice, sugars, meat, fruits, etc. waaaaaa... stuffed myself for the past 5 days.
Ok.. enough about the seminar. What else happened in the past 3 weeks?
Met up with Wenjie on the night we sent Tim off. (3 of us have always been really good friends btw) Talked and talked... about random things, about faith, BGR, future paths - he's going to Michigan for uni in a couple of weeks - and it was awesome, I haven't had a chat with him for aggggggeeees and it felt so homely just to be able to share things with him. We sang and harmonised with worship songs with the guitar, then talked... till about 3 a.m., then we cabbed to the airport and met up with Tim and his family+church friends, then sent him off... here's a pic of Tim and WJ respectively -
Had dinner once with my dad and his wife (Xu Ping). Mom was abit uneasy about it, but I was at perfect peace with it, and I guess it was a diplomatic thing to do, so we went ahead for dinner anyway. It was good, conversation flowed, though there were a few awkward moments I'd say on general it was a good meal. Glad to see that at least my dad has someone to take care of him, although I know it's not a very proud thing to boast of (for men), this dependence on a woman... but anyways. It was alright, better than I thought it'd turn out. So it's good.
This follows on from one of the most difficult moments since I came back, and in fact, one of my most difficult challenges in my life even. For some reason my parents and older brother have treated me really differently this summer; they're now seeing me as an adult and my parents are telling me stuff they've never told me before - whether about the family situation, the financial instability and crisis in the family, their personal lives, their personal grudges and hopes, etc. I feel like back home in Singapore I'm forced to grow up - and I do feel it, I'm definitely less loony here than I am in York. I'm just not given many chances to be silly, I can't afford to - and it's stressful, but I'm thankful that my parents trust me so much more now. Basically, there was one day when I felt it all heaping on me; my dad asked me down for coffee and I met him downstairs in one of the coffeeshops... he started sharing about why he's intending to sell the house and his plans about relocating us, about how he intends to retire in China after repaying his debt, how most of his monthly income is actually going into repaying loanshark interest, and then as usual it delved into questions about my mom and how she handles her money, about past hurts and mistakes, etc. Man, I was praying so hard for the covering of Jesus' blood, for protection, because at certain points I was just tearing uncontrollably yet calmly responding to what my dad had to say. Of course I was standing on my mom's side........ but later when I went up I knew I had to provide a perspective from my dad's side. So it seemed to both parties that I was siding with the other. Which was painful, because I was trying not to, Matt's advice (thank you) was in my head right through the process - don't take sides, be peacemaking. And eventually after some time my mom understood where I was coming from and was peaceable about it, because initially she was begrudging the way I stood up for my dad. And.. ah, the whole process was painful. But I learnt so much. And while it was painful to have to grow up so suddenly, and deal with the microscale of adult politics, it was enlightening, and heartening, and encouraging to know that God's with me and with this family, and that both parents are trusting me to understand and make my opinions known. Rokey suggested in York that I find my dad to talk about the house issue for real, face-to-face, and I did pray that this opportunity arise.... it did! I didn't have to say anything, 'cuz my dad raised this topic of his own accord. So... yeah. But... oh well. After a week or so of griping and talking I think my mom finally grew to be at peace about it, and both of us are just letting it go, letting God take charge of this, and we knew ultimately that our house is going to be from God, our money's from God, this family's from God, and dad WILL turn to God one day (assurance given to both of us in our prayers).
God - it's yours!
What else? Grew closer to my siblings. :) Spent a whole day shopping with my younger brother for his shoes for his orchestral band performance, and randomly shopping for stuff at Bugis village. He bought a pink shirt, haha. He's growing up...! And it's amazing - his love for me, and transparency with me - he so willingly tells me about the girls that are going after him or the girl that he fancies and why, about his friends, teachers, etc. Although he's still really hush about the family situation. He's growing to be more aware about the state of the family now, but I'm stil praying for discernment for the right moment to reveal the right things to him... slowly, a bit at a time. But he's still really reserved and sensitive about not having a father around...
For my older brother I'm getting so much closer to him too. :) It's amazing. He's finally respecting me as his younger sister, and someone to talk to, we get into short conversations here and there, and he takes so much initiative to talk to me, engage me in thoughtful discussions and philosophy, bring me out to eat, etc. I feel so much more at ease with him, so much more natural. We went out to Balestier Road for bak kut teh (ribs and soup) a couple of nights ago with his gf and friends, and he did such sweet things like taking the food for me, giving me his barley drink, etc. Ahh! Such sweet love from an older brother! I'm so sad he's leaving in 3 weeks' time and I won't see him for 2 years!! -_-
Worship-leading... yes. Didn't do much of that in York because I was drawn into other areas, but I felt really led to this area in my home church. Did things differently this time and the band really had a fantastic time of worship before our rehearsal... but things screwed up here and there on the actual day. Including my heart. There was so much condemnation in my heart saying, 'you're useless, you're pathetic, you're a lousy worship leader'. The funny thing is, many many people came up to me after that with encouraging words saying things like, 'praise God! it was an excellent time of worship!' which was like, huh???? because so many things went wrong from a human point of view; my finger was bleeing profusely from careless strumming, the powerpoint hung, etc. but you know what?
GOD WAS MAKING HIS PRESENCE FELT.....
and that was all we needed! it was awesome. :) Thank You Daddy. Thank You Lord... amazing.
I can't remember lots of things. Oh wells, basically, a lot of things happened. A lot of thoughts streamed through my the stasis in my head, including master's - really don't know what I'll be doing or where I'll be going...
will leave it to the Lord.
-sighs-
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