swingin singapore

2010-05-26T19:37:00.003+08:00

many strands of thoughts,
all following through to lines that
criss-cross
like coloured threads
knotted at some parts
grazing at others
and a few, never-ending

confused, and never knowing if I'm right

think: simple
one life to live

and love

2010-05-03T21:46:00.002+08:00

need to be humbler, more receptive to advice and feedback, more open to criticism.

need to find these new shoes fitting, learn to walk with them; stumble a little when I learn, and accept that I stumble.

need to be more wary of the things that distract, steal, and destroy; fix my eyes on the higher goal and walk in that direction.

to open my eyes, to love, to serve. to demand less, and give more.

:budding shoots, wrestling their way out of the broken surface

2010-04-19T21:26:00.003+08:00

I'm just utterly amazed at God's powerful moving through the everyday and how everything is completely within His control. He machinates the workings of every moment to teach, inspire, warn... and show just how faithful, so very faithful, He is to the cause of those who love Him.

I got into a minor skirmish on the road the other day on a roundabout. That being my first ever car accident, I really freaked out and was at a loss of what to do. All the SOPs escaped me and I didn't twice about calling anyone; just accepted what the guy said - that I shouldn't have been on the left lane - and agreed to make full payment to him. We settled it 'privately' on the roadside and after exchanging details and taking photos, he told me he'd contact me thereafter and bill the invoice to me.

After driving away in what was a state of complete shock and numbness (I was safe and unhurt, thank God. 'twas just a minor scrape on his bumper) I reached home and mom told me I should have done a thousand things if not for blanking out at the spot. I shouldn't have accepted full responsibility, I shouldn't have allowed him to bill the invoice straight to me, I should have paid him upfront after a quotation, I should have brought his car to my workshop, I should have called somebody to settle it. What was worse was I checked my phone again and realised that I lost the guy's contact completely - no license plate number, name, nothing - so I couldn't reverse whatever we had agreed on on the road. I must have NOT saved that text containing his details in that flurry.

Mom felt bad on my behalf from all that was happening and went out and got me a Hershey's dark chocolate bar.

Was slightly worried over the next 1-2 days that I'd have a 1000-dollar bill sent to me, with all sorts of works put into the repair by the mechanics of his workshop. Surrendered and prayed and left it to God, hoping the big cross I saw on his dashboard was a reflection of true faith and honesty. Alvin insisted that I do something in the meanwhile rather than waited for things to happen. He urged me to report the matter to the TP and IDAC in case he should send a bill to me via insurance (and if I had not filed in at least a report that case, I'll lose all claiming rights) OR send an outrageous private bill. In his view the law would protect me - but I really didn't want to face legal consequences of any sort. I didn't know if I was going to be investigated by the TP and fined for being a silly left lane, or if I'd incur higher insurance premiums. But I knew God said to do the right thing - to render to Caesar's what is Caesar's - and to face the consequences of what I did or did wrong no matter how minor.

Went to the police post to log a file - to the amusement of the officer as he says cases like that are usually unreported - and took time to go down to IDAC even though I had completely lost the other party's details and there was no damage on my car. The IDAC lady was similarly amused; I bet they were all thinking how silly this all was, this honest little girl and her all-too-honest ways.

Today's CME lesson was on integrity. And as I was talking to my kids about Integrity - being willing to do the right things even when you have the chance to escape, cheat, or dodge; doing the right things even when no one is looking - this example surfaced to mind. I love using personal stories to illustrate things I'm teaching, so I raised it up. All of them were amused that I would report something as small as this too, but it hit a point.

"I was prepared to bear the consequences, and the decision was costly. I might have to pay higher insurance premiums, or face a TP fine because I flouted a traffic rule... But I did what I ought to, and what was right. And I felt good about it after that."

God works in miraculous ways. What is foolish to man will be used by God; and what seems wise to man is foolishness in the eyes of the Lord. After all I've done to clear myself on legal and insurance grounds, after sharing this personal story with my kids and reminding them to be honest and have the integrity to own up to things they did - I received a blessed text tonight, saying:

"Hi Jean, this is XYZ here. This is to inform you that I have covered the damages myself so there is no need for you to pay anything. Good night and God bless."

I was absolutely floored.

Everything swept back to me as I comprehended the whole event in its entirety; how God sneakily erased that message containing his details (or enabled me not to save it), how He used Alvin to teach me a lesson of integrity; how He worked through a gracious brother in the larger Family to pardon the damage even though it was my fault. It spoke of an even higher pardon, and the wiping away of consequences when I finally was prepared to face and accept them. It spoke of dear kindness, generosity, and love from a great Father who knows and sees and works through everything for His higher purpose. It spoke of my Daddy's love and rescue - something I needed to be convinced of, because I often come down hard on myself for making many silly mistakes from being unaware and ignorant.

Daddy knows I'm a frazzled bunny, but He's assured me that He'll redeem the situation no matter what - if I surrender and do the right things in Him. His faithfulness speaks volumes yet again.

Another answered prayer on "God, make Yourself real to me in my life. Make yourself real."

2010-04-09T18:13:00.001+08:00

I know I can’t blame you
Because your work isn’t you
Just that
I’m feeling
Completely left out
Of what you do, where you rush to, what you love
Your circles
Your travelling, your schedules
I know you’re trying your best to entertain me, affirm me,
Spend time with me outside of your busy-ness
And schedule changes really really can’t be helped
But I have emotions too
And I’m getting weary
Tired
I have expectations too
And it’s normal to expect things to go a certain way
It’s just repetitive
Consecutive
Times
Of shifting plans and delays and frayed hopes and distilled meet-ups
That never would happen
That’s getting me really
Tired
And cold
I know I shouldn’t blame you, and I can’t
And I won’t get angry with you
Because I love you, and love you for everything you are,
But I’m just struggling
With inconsequential hurts that don’t matter at the end of the day
But get me so
Tired

2009-09-24T13:03:00.002+08:00

Daddy why does this keep swirling on?

I know You have plans for me, and I know You're asking me to trust You. I do, and I want to, but does it have to be this difficult?

"In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will..." Eph 1:11

I don't want to lose myself in the midst of it all; and yet I know you're asking that very thing - to lose myself so I can live proper. I can't and don't seem to want to fathom it, but please grant me the very faith to do it. I know Your grace is always sufficient.

“For whoever wishes to save his 1life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it." Mt 10:25

Father it hurts so much to be dismissed and ignored by the very person you open up to. I suppose that was what you felt in Your Son Jesus; when every person you opened yourself to betrayed, dismissed, left and pierced you at the very end.

"But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities..." Is 53:3

Father if this is the way to love then let me continue on this way; but please, please, walk with me, hold me and guide me and comfort me. I know You will satisfy my needs in your own riches and in your own time.

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you." Ps 32:8

weak.

2009-09-14T23:17:00.002+08:00

has it been that long? goodness.

I've been so bad at updating this thing; then again, I've practically shut myself away from the world for a good 2-3 months and I'm only starting to see the light again. Have lost some weight, put on more eye rings; and realised how great the implications really are for my usual disorganised mess, over-love for freedom and from accountability, non-punctuality, deep insecurity about work and performance, and inability to deal with authority.

yes, and I realise the world outside of church really can't deal with other people's insecurities. what I see as pure, unabashed honesty becomes, to foreign eyes, signs of weakness.

A good gruelling 10 weeks of teaching practice. A good gruelling time, not just of work but of picking up and re-working at the relationship as well. I never thought I would have made it but God is incredibly faithful and strong. Drifted so far away from Him in this time but I'm so glad He patiently waited and watched, then lovingly brought me back to where He is again. <3

It's been such a strange two years. I've been comparing non-stop with the times I had - and the person I was - in York and at the end of the day I know it doesn't help. I was different in York, somehow; a complete opposite of who I am here sometimes. But perhaps the person that I have to grapple with at the end of the day is who I am today. It isn't a pretty picture, but at least it's real - and I'm learning to accept it.

I'm thankful, then, that God doesn't change. That despite failings and shortcomings 'He sees the depth of my heart and He loves me the same'. And, in a land starved of affirmation and love, and ridden with criticism, that Big Well of Love is the only thing that's going to sustain me and keep me sane. 'He rejoices over you with singing'.

2009-06-01T18:52:00.002+08:00

Daddy has been so good, so good..

Ah, to tell it all would be to write a whole book on it. But He's just altogether so merciful. The things I really don't deserve and so feebly ask for, He gives. But He's just so much more concerned with loving me than with giving me what I desire.

'Trust in the LORD and do good, dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.' Ps 37:4

He's given us another opportunity to rebuild, to restore, to do it His way this time rather than ours. God's said it wouldn't be easy, and humanly it's going to be impossible. But He's also revealed that He will multiply hundred, thousandfold and feed the masses... if we dig deep into ourselves and will to give up our all. Die to ourselves, our wills, our expectations, our needs in order to love wholeheartedly and unconditionally. How can we possibly do it if we don't first understand the love of Christ, each minute and everyday?

Four loaves into four thousand - Father God, in Your will not ours!

2009-05-22T09:16:00.002+08:00

It's over.

But a new start, I guess. I'd made him so much of an idol that God is taking me back for Himself -

5 Their mother has been unfaithful
and has conceived them in disgrace.
She said, 'I will go after my lovers,
who give me my food and my water,
my wool and my linen, my oil and my drink.'

6 Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;
I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.

7 She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Then she will say,
'I will go back to my husband as at first,
for then I was better off than now.'

8 She has not acknowledged that I was the one
who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil,
who lavished on her the silver and gold—
which they used for Baal.

9 "Therefore I will take away my grain when it ripens,
and my new wine when it is ready.
I will take back my wool and my linen,
intended to cover her nakedness.
[...]

12 I will ruin her vines and her fig trees,
which she said were her pay from her lovers;
I will make them a thicket,
and wild animals will devour them.

13 I will punish her for the days
she burned incense to the Baals;
she decked herself with rings and jewelry,
and went after her lovers,
but me she forgot,"
declares the LORD.

14 "Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.

15 There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor [a] a door of hope.
There she will sing [b] as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.

16 "In that day," declares the LORD,
"you will call me 'my husband';
you will no longer call me 'my master. [c] '
[...]

19 I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in [d] righteousness and justice,
in [e] love and compassion.

(Hosea 2)

It's painful, but I know the Lord's always good. Time to stop being disobedient, time to let go, time to wait on God alone.

2009-03-31T01:17:00.003+08:00

swingin singapore indeed.

just came back from a certain dinner in honour of certain people who get promoted to certain (super)payscales. Very swanky indeed. Ministers from all the works were there, from the recently appointed DPM to Education Sir to George Y, and I got to mingle around with very lovely people at my table. Then I walked away and realised how high up they actually were, and started recounting what I said to make sure I didn't commit a faux pas. I think I actually called the Assistant Superintendant fella a guzzler :x

He did respond with slight shock. Let's hope he's as forgiving as he looks.

ANYHOWS. Recording for 5 songs are done woohoo! Spent the entire weekend indoors in the studios from 11am - 9pm on Sat and 2pm - 9pm on Sun. Wasn't an easy weekend because I was struggling a lot with other things on my mind, but God was surely good... will be going up to KL (Kuala Lumpur) soon to finish the other acoustic tracks.

NIE's been whoaa crazy. But the crazy weeks are over at least. In the last two weeks I've had 4 assignments to hand up, and most of the time I did the stuff really last minute - as a student put, we live by the hour in the NIE. But yess it's a pretty relaxing week this week, and I'm so thankful for the break...

am so thankful for my family, who has been an amazing support these busy weeks... for my mom who cooks for me day in and out and never complains about my short temper. for my dear who's incredibly tolerant and patient with me for being horribly self-absorbed and preoccupied with other things at times. hasn't been an easy time so far but God always makes the place of Baca a pool of springs (Ps 84 - read commentaries!)

Where we are weak - God is strong(er).

2009-02-20T22:13:00.002+08:00

'tis been a really stressful, high-strung week. Guess it's 'cuz I'm really starting to do work for NIE, so that meant a lot more reading than last week. Assignments and deadlines are starting to set in. Apart from that song arrangements for the album are just about done so I have to start reviewing, critiquing and practising the songs to prepare for the recording phase. I'm paid to write some worship devotions, but those are taking a back seat now because of all the other commitments. On top of that, family and the relationship, and driving, and CSMusic songwriting workshops with Martin Tang (producer and arranger for Lee Hom, A*Mei, Coco Lee etc.), and other miscellaneous things and meetups with people...

... just make me really drained out, stressed and tired at the end of the day. Above it all I realise that I'm stressed not because of all these activities per se. But because I've placed so much expectation on myself to manage all these well. And I haven't. I'm flustered all the time because I don't want to let anything slip or offend anyone. And when people don't seem to be appreciative or understanding it does hit you quite hard. And that gets me even more perched on my toes, more flustered - because I'm not doing this right, or that right, or...

And when there're communication breakdowns, when there's the inability to find comfort and peace despite your prayers, when your health starts to take a toll on you, when you just lose confidence in yourself all over and find yourself a wreck because you've been crying till 1 am

you know something's really wrong.

And that, is when the few, simple words of "I love you" ring boldly, clearly and truly. Because they remind you of who you really, really are.

Then, you stop bustling, you stop doing. You start 'being' all over again.

"Because you are precious and honoured in my sight, and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you..." Isaiah 43

2009-02-09T21:15:00.003+08:00

Guess God never stops in crafting and moulding. For some time I felt as if I've backslid somewhat, what with all that emotional turmoil and doubting and fearing. Took a while for me to realise that He's actually bringing me out of that nice comfy spiritual baby-phase and bringing me into a time of spiritual adolescence.

Took me a while to realise that when Jesus meant 'born again' He really meant rebirth. We become babies all over again, and instead of all the rubbish that our past has fed us, God's now raising us under His own parenthood. We're babies again.

Sad thing is many people don't ever want to come out of that baby phase. Why should they want to? It's sure comfy in there. You get looked after, fed, you're feeling spiritually high and close to Daddy a lot of the time, your prayers are answered. Seems pretty nice.

But it's pretty sad if we just demand that kind of treatment when we're supposed to age spiritually... after all, who calls it 'cute' anymore when a 15-year old starts throwing tantrum like a 5-year old?

So I've realised that from the point I was born again in J2, York was really my nesting and feeding ground. I was happy a lot of the time (as far as I can remember), the environment was greatly conducive for spiritual nurturing and growth, people were forgiving and nice and understanding, and there was great support. I grew so much in those 3 years!

But London was the start of teenage-hood, and coming back to Singapore is right into the angsty throes of teenagehood where all sorts of adolescent problems start to surface: identity, heightened self-awareness and self-consciousness, transition from baby-ness to mature responsibilities. Suddenly I'm back and I have to deal with all sorts of things like taking care of parents' needs and finances and HDB and lawyer matters. And soon to come, of course, is the workplace where I can't afford to baby around anymore. Good thing is - and I give many thanks for this - God's clearly bringing about a gradual transition so all the sifting and maturing occurs a bit at a time. It's painful 'cuz it seems so difficult sometimes. But at least I'm aware now that He hasn't stopped his work and I haven't backslid as I thought. He's taken me a level higher, and is busy sifting those impurities and unwanted rubbish away from the person He's created me to be so I can be restored, free, and truly happy.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." James 1:2-5

More than ever, I feel that I'm just utterly lacking in wisdom. Don't have the wisdom in managing family politics especially when I'm caught in between all of them at once; don't have the wisdom to manage or tend to other people's needs because I'm just so caught up with my own; don't have the wisdom to say the right things at the right time to the right people. Hence screwup after screwup, and tears beget more tears. But the promise is that whoever sows in tears shall reap in joy... and I thank God for being my justice, wisdom and love in trying and difficult times.

Father I ask for wisdom, and I ask for boldness to apply that wisdom!

2009-01-25T19:57:00.001+08:00

I miss you so.

2009-01-22T16:24:00.001+08:00

http://www.rabbitroom.com/?p=1290

2009-01-18T21:19:00.004+08:00

At the end of the day, only God's love really counts. Flowers and words and the best trinkets and conversation only go so far before you realise the strange emptiness that it all leaves, and what is sad, sad, sad is that when you get so much you only want even more. The Lord alone can truly satisfy every one of our needs, and the moment we take our eyes off Him -

- we just lose it all, even that with which we were once content.

"For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, and whoever will lose his life for my sake will find it." Matthew 16:25

2009-01-17T23:08:00.006+08:00

My goodness, has it been about 2 months since I last posted something?

A variety of things have come and gone, with many things changed. Including myself who's been morphing with each day. Somehow I've become painfully self-aware, which is all part of growing up, but on the flip side it does lead to greater self-consciousness.

In a way this leads to a lot more caution and reserve with words. Words have never taken on that much significance in my life until this point, and that's possibly because I now realise how much power words have to give life (edify, encourage, build up) and to kill (destroy, criticise, judge). Another compelling reason is because I realise just how much emphasis I've placed on my own words for self-definition. Going back to the very basics, it's as simple as being worried over whether my jokes are more corny than funny, whether I sound really smart or really idiotic, whether I come off as being pleasantly child-like or foolishly naive. Also, oratory has always played a large part in building up one's reputation or perceived integrity/character as in ancient Greek and Corinth. In the similarly academic and rhetorical realm of undergrad English literature you could build an empire for yourself by smoking around with words. I now realise that in real society you can't. Well you can try to, but after a while these words will fall flat on you and destroy you. Interviews, presentations, initial impressions and promises all hinge on those words - but after a while when you let your empty self reveal itself through the curtains of those words you wonder if you're really fit for anything anymore.

The worse thing is - and I suspect that this is more true - that you really could be fit for something to begin with but along the way you've just lost confidence in your very self to carry it through. If I know that people are always going to fail, how then do I take their promises with constructivism? If I know that I will fail, what can I even utter?

I suppose growing up also encompasses an increasing ability to break free of that self-consciousness. I've really got to find a confidence that's not rooted in my abilities or appearance, but in God who's unshakable, unmovable and absolutely trustworthy in spite of my failings. God help me.

2008-10-28T10:39:00.010+08:00

'Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.' (Mt 5:8)

This leapt out at me and has been in my mind since yesterday. I wonder what purity of heart might mean?

Purity of heart, as Jon Courson very wisely pointed out, is a lot different from cleanness of heart. By right all who've put their trust in the Lord and recognise Jesus as Saviour have clean hearts - 'You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you' (John 15:3). But purity of heart refers to one that is undividedly in pursuit of God. It refers to a sense of purpose-drivenness towards that one goal above the rest; a sense of chosen oblivion and ignorance towards all other possible distractions. I believe it doesn't mean an abandonment of responsibility or an ignoring of what's important around (relationships, family, work), but a chosen prioritisation of Christ and a focus on desiring Him above other less important things.

I used to wonder why only people who fasted and prayed 10 out of 24 hours a day, or weird puritans who abstained from secular music and stacked piles of religious CDs up to the high heavens, or those who must go on their knees for a good time of pious devotion before they went out each day, were the ones who at the end of the day were truly able to listen from God. I've come to realise that it's not so much in these things that they were doing, because after all these can also develop into another form of religious idolatry, that God spoke more to them. But it was with the heart they were doing these things that opened their ears to listen better, and theirs was a good, pure heart of seeking and desiring God with simple yet aggressive purposefulness.

It is this heart that I want for myself - because when it's in the right place, all other things naturally just fall in place. 'Seek ye first the kingdom of God,' He says, 'and all these things will be added unto you'. Give me a desirous, passionate heart for You my Lord.

2008-10-27T16:33:00.003+08:00

'tis a rainy Deepavali day in for me today, playing mahjong with my family (the table is permanently out in front of the tv now), studying for the Final Theory test (for a driver's licence), soaking my feet in a negative ion detox solution for an hour, listening to Jon Courson's funny sermon on the Beatitudes, cooking a roast meal with my mom for lunch. I'm so thankful for this season of rest that Daddy's given me in these 2-3 months, because from January onwards I don't think I'll have this luxury until er, pregnancy.

Which is NOT in the near future unlike what some of you think.

So I'm really thankful for this time when I have the freedom to wake up late, cook and bake, meet people, take up driving lessons, write and practise music. I expected to teach at schools and receive an untrained teacher's salary in these couple of months, but MOE said it was too late in the year for me to be appointed. So that left me with the pitiable remnants of my scholarship money to survive on till beginning of Feb next year - which meant no driving lessons in this time, no money to purchase home recording equipment to practise and record my songs, not very much money for going out and all. Yes I know I'm not flat broke and I don't quite classify into the poverty circle (I've got to watch my heart and not take things for granted here), but in a way it left me lost for how I could productively use these couple of months on my hands.

Then the separation occurred, and it was a painful time of not knowing what the future held. But it was also a time of properly seeking the Lord afresh, of reorganising priorities and paradigms and expectations, of healing. A time of wandering in the desert, but also a time of refilling and restoring. Peace was laced with pain, and pain consumed by joy yet again. The Lord was ever near and His presence ever assuring, and it was in that precious time of clinging desperately onto the Lord that I felt His sweetness, His touch, and His love fill me anew and again.

And many things popped up, strangely, in that time of separation. A songwriting and recording contract for at least the next 3 months came up and I'll be working with a Christian and non-commercial (yes!) label to write and record songs till NIE and perhaps even through NIE. Shortly before the separation I also joined CSMusic (Christian Songwriters Music, Singapore) to help with PR and Publicity. Fascinating to learn bit by bit about events organising, liaising, the songwriters circle in Singapore, and so on. Feel like a little girl on the team, but I'm glad they accepted this newb on board. :) Other opportunities to sing and serve popped up - a small cosy Christmas concert for the church, a 600-1000 meeting for PRC 'intellectuals' in Singapore, the CCIS stage in front of Plaza Sing on 24th Dec.

It's crazy I tell you. I'd prayed, and He was incredibly faithful in opening one door after another without my need to strive and search for opportunities. All that I really desired in this time naturally fell into place as Jesus promised in Matthew 6. And what's even more incredible is that these aren't even things that I desperately needed in order to survive, but what I silently wished for and desired. As with a little girl looking into a candy store. Daddy knows our hearts so clearly, and yearns to give us what we desire insofar as they bring us closer and closer, not to the little trinkets we get, but to the fount of true Contentment and Joy.

Psalm 126: 'those who sow in tears will reap in joy'. These strange few months of dryness, pain and confusion have somehow birthed a new season of productivity, growth, Love and purpose-drivenness. Perhaps there were many elements warring about in the unseen realm in order that things were brought to fruition in the seen. I don't know about that, but I do know that God is faithful and is every bit worth holding onto to and trusting in whenever there's an incredible amount of pain and struggle. Because He has a truly good reason for everything He does and allows, and promises that we'll be alright at the end of the day, really.

The relationship has sealed its second season of rebirth and recommitment to God as of yesterday. After a time of surrender and dying to the relationship on both our parts, He brought us together again with greater wisdom, understanding and love on each side, as well as greater resolve to run this darnedly difficult race. It's, again, amazing and miraculous to see how He managed to pick up the pieces from the pits... but He did. And He says that His grace is all we need, so I'm taking His word for that. Meanwhile I've grabbed Gary Chapman's book on The Five Love Languages and Now You're Speaking my Language about communication in marriage hehehe. But really, all I need is a full dose of God everyday, every waking minute, every sleeping hour.

In Ailin's lingo, Daddy r0x0rs.

2008-10-18T00:23:00.002+08:00

God will grant strength. 'Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord...'

It's a time of renewal, refilling, re-coming before His face and re-seeking intimacy with Him.

It's a time of renewal for the both of us together..

'Greater things have yet to come, greater things are still to be done...'

I'm so terrible in loving, I don't know how to love. God help, God help me...

'I'm so amazed, and I give you praise, for the power of the Cross.'

God is pleased with the both of us, and He looks upon us with compassion and kindness.

I surrender this time of separation, for Your greater work and Your glory Lord - Amen.

2008-09-29T23:02:00.002+08:00

Those who sow in tears will reap in joy - so says Psalm 126. the sackcloth of ashes is exchanged for a crown of beauty and glory, and hope persists despite the sheer logical hopelessless of situations. if not for God I'm afraid I would have given up somewhat.

but His voice tremors in the stillness of nights, saying 'why are you downcast, O my soul? why so disturbed? put your hope in God' (psalm 42-3).

and truly enough, as the dark cloud passes over there's finally a recognition that times of sheer weakness are not times of regression, but times of further purification and sanctification as when silver is purged of dross in the infernal fire. sometimes there's a constant bouncing to and from a state of goodness to that of lousy-ness... but therein an awareness of the need for God is constantly renewed and heightened. I hope, I only hope that in the light of coming challenges... my strength in God will grow. 'lead me Lord, to the ground that is higher than I'.

sang last Friday at the songwriters showcase and it was unbelievable for the fact that there were so many screwups but God's power manifested nevertheless, or rather, through those screwups. the encouragements and affirmations from people were profuse, and it's exciting to see what God will be leading me onto next. :) fragments of a once-impossible dream coming together?

currently in between things. finished my dissertation and have yet to start work, so I'm taking advantage of this time to 1) slack, 2) read more, 3) clear my room and finally unpack those boxes. Besides the first I think the rest still need a lot more work. But I'm happy. :)

I haven't even started work and I need a beach getaway holiday! going to sentosa tomorrow, yay. that's about the closest I can get to a getaway island holiday in light of the dismal figures in my bank account. Pound, O Pound, why aren't you up?

2008-09-22T15:36:00.000+08:00

there's that dreaded feeling that I'm getting my feet stuck in the sloppy mud and sinking. I can think of a million reasons; not getting fellowship support, not getting plugged into church life and serving, not having this, not that, and so on. But although valid they're pretty lame. Where have my heart and my eyes turned to?

sometimes I wish I could just fly away to a secluded island for 3 days and have that quietness restored back to me again. that space of good-loneliness where it's just God and me, singing love songs to each other on a beach. a mountaintop retreat and experience I need so badly again.

jaded and weary; and I haven't even started work yet. petty woes and insidious lies from the evil one abound. I never knew that these things can bother me, even cloud me for days. I've never seen this side of me before all these years. so what happened? is God slowly surfacing all these ugly realities of myself... or have I really regressed?

where is that joy and gladness that accompany a heart totally in love with God and caring less about so many other trifles in the world? I cry, but the white ceiling above responds.

Daddy I need You so badly.

(I'm sorry for all these sappy posts. seems as if I turn to words as a form of solace only when something's biting at me. I shall bear it in mind to write happier things when I'm less of a whiner.)

2008-09-07T20:55:00.004+08:00

it's either confidence-dashing, or humbling, or both. Over these past few months I feel like a child all over again: learning how to walk a step at a time, to discover and control muscles I totally couldn't feel before, to face and brace and embrace pain as if for the first time. to learn dependence.

but because this 1 year of knee and back ordeals have completely dashed my confidence in my body - where I used to have brash over-confidence and blazed my way blindly through all sorts of forests - I discover myself now to be weak-willed, horribly vulnerable, timid, over-cautious, self-pitying. even socially inept.

with all the layers torn away I might have become truer to myself. or have I lost a confidence that really should be stronger now with Christ?

"For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." Phil 1:21

2008-09-02T14:51:00.003+08:00

what is jealousy?

all along I've thought it was an over-wrought, over-anxious, over-dominating complex of insecurity and trust-lessness, but it never struck me until now that a man's jealousy might stem from his fierce desire to protect. Or mirror, even originate from, God's own very jealous heart because of the passion He has for our precious hearts.

but there're so many fine lines to draw, if they can be drawn at all. humans after all aren't God, and how do we know what's right or wrong? There doesn't seem to be a way to understand the practical constituents of good-natured human jealousy, especially when the heart is deceitful and has a knack for confusing things.

but if there's something that keeps popping up over these two days it's the notion that attraction is still attraction no matter how small, or whether it's couched in innocuous phrases like 'we enjoy each other's company but there's no way we can imagine ourselves together' or 'I'm just expressing an objective appreciation for the person's qualities/musicianship/flair/eloquence,etc'. There is still attraction, and it occurs on all levels regardless of age difference, distance, reality (eg. TV), practical possibility of things ever developing.

which is why I too am feeling jealous.

Still, I wonder what God's trying to say. Is He preparing us both for temptations to come, warning us to be cautious about boundaries and relationships with other people; cautious about our own frail, wandering hearts?

2008-08-31T22:46:00.002+08:00

"The threshing floors will be filled with grain;
the vats will overflow with new wine and oil.
I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten..." Joel 2:24-5

Never could I have expected such a gift in my life... the years of not having the spiritual blessings, the loving touch, and even the presence of a father have paled away in the light of the Lord's amazing gift to me in Alvin. As the pastor stood onstage and led all the fathers in the congregation in a prayer of blessing over their children, Alvin just held me tightly, and so delicately, as a husband or father would embrace his wife or child...

and it suddenly broke, the cloud of tears. But they weren't tears of sadness or of self-pity anymore. They were tears of joy, of being moved deep down...

... by God's amazing Love.

"We love, because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19

2008-08-27T16:54:00.001+08:00

whee! whee whee whee!

so squiiiishhyyyyyy.

2008-08-24T21:12:00.002+08:00

there're so many words
in shades of blue

in a city of an isle so small but
huge enough to span distances in holland and england

and it's in those silences
i find myself
missing you so

2008-08-23T14:53:00.000+08:00

all of You is more than enough for
all of me
for every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
and all I have in You is more than enough

'Enough', by Chris Tomlin

2008-08-21T23:42:00.004+08:00

hahahahaha.

God is so so amazing. half a day after I typed the previous post about music, Uncle Louis came by and connected me with his old RI classmate who's been called to record albums for Asian Christian songwriters and has the financial backing to do so. Meeting him for lunch next Saturday. God is AMAZING!

Played some songs with Wei on the bongo just now and he totally transformed the songs too. I wonder I wonder! Is the tremor beginning to rumble?

2008-08-21T16:04:00.004+08:00

miss walking out of the dingy Old Street tube station and onto the dodgy streets of Old Street on a drizzly day. There you'd be, under fluorescent street lamps, capping my head with a hood, holding my arm.

it was a cold that I liked...

i miss london.

2008-08-21T15:51:00.002+08:00

sometimes - again - I do wonder where the music thing is going. not that confident on the keys anymore, and neither am I great on the guitar, but the weird thing is though I feel incapacitated there's a sense that a powerful tremor is on the rise. I don't want to be caught in that rumble all unexpectant; so in a way I'm apprehensive. though excited.

I'm rubbish. but I do hope in that way Christ will shine all the more.

2008-08-20T22:12:00.002+08:00

sometimes I wonder if it's worth knowing; if it's good to know; if I should know. sometimes I wonder how many times she appears in your mind in a day; and what sorts of memories accompany that figure, that image, that shadow
that keeps resurfacing in the web of relations that surround you
surround me
sometimes I wonder if it's good to know; if I should know; if I should keep probing
as a sign of concern, or if that's only going to put you off because it doesn't give you space
sometimes
sometimes I wonder if there will be a caesura
leading to a indefinite silence

and endless nights of tears

2007-08-31T23:40:00.001+08:00

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

2007-08-31T02:05:00.001+08:00

Inspired. If it's one word that describes what I feel after this hols, it's inspired.

By God's grace I've really been able to dip my toes this hols into many things I've always wanted to try. Fooled around with the bass abit at Yiwen's and in church; got to practise abit more on the drums and will continue to do so in the next 2 weeks; also having the desire to go for more live acts than before. Just came back from Wala's at Holland V where I saw Shirlyn and UnXpected play; it was a lot of alt rock stuff but I was amazed by their coordination, the drummer and the electric guitar player. WOMAD (World of Arts Music and Dance) was equally fascinating because we heard a lot of traditional music from all over the world, and not just traditional music but a fusion of ethnic traditions and modern styles (e.g. prog rock). Ahhh. I'm so glad London has loads of this - I'm even praying for a chance to perform! Let's hope I don't get too carried away....

The gym has been doing my knee good. Pulled it again after playing games at last week's cell, and even after visiting the Chinese chiropractitioner it didn't get very much better. But the cross-trainer at the gym has been doing wonders in strengthening the muscles of my right knee. Tho I still can't run I can probably squat or stretch without as much pain. Hope I can dance by the time I get back to London!

Love trying out new stuff, but I only hope I can be committed enough to a few things, or even just one thing. Let's just see how it goes...

Older, older guys are really a lot more gentlemanly!

2007-08-15T19:19:00.000+08:00

ah it's been a while.

hmm. though I get really bored at times, I'm absolutely loving this slacking time, and reminding myself whenever I'm itching to move on, that: this is my last summer holiday ever, my last chance to sit and rot at home with no obligations or responsibilities.

whahaha. But sometimes I do neglect whatever little responsibilities I have, such as taking care of the home or offering help for housework, that I incur the wrath of the Empress. My bad. :(

Dad and Aunty P brought me to lunch yesterday at Shangri-La, this super posh hotel with a sumptuous magniiiiiificent buffet. I ate a little of everything - what a spread! Fresh oysters, crayfish, steamed cold prawns, sashimi, dim sum, local treats, sea bass, duck fillets, grilled beef, indian food, cheesecake, strawberry mango chocolate apple mousse, chocolate fondue, etc. Naturally it's pretty expensive, but it's a fantastic treat. Dad brought a cousin so it was really nice catching up with him as well.

Last weekend (over National Day) I went for a Dance worship conference at Expo and experienced an aweeesssome time. Organised by Shachah International Ministries, which is designed to bring the creative arts back to worship and the church, the event focused first on the deliverance and transformation of each worshipper, providing also times for intercession on behalf of abused children in Asia. It was immense. Honestly. I went alone, and that was great because I made new friends, and having no preconceived/expected identity in that big worship hall allowed me to be utterly free and un-self-conscious in worship. It's been so long, and I pretty much emptied myself there. Deep wounds were healed, and attitudes thereafter naturally and suddenly changed.

Afternoon sessions were dance workshops, and I've learnt the basics of tambourine dancing. Even learnt Jewish dancing, hoy! It was the first time in my life I realised the sheer impact of dance on worship. It was like a return to the older Jewish days, when people picked up their tambourines and harps and blew their horns; they danced and clapped and shouted in such joy...

Besides that it's just kinda meeting up with people, chilling out in the social room in church, helping people out with GP, etc. Haven't been to the big vivocity but I discovered Demsey's, which has turned into a pretty yuppie place with great (though expensive) food. Singapore's night life and eating experiences have certainly grown - or maybe I just haven't been around much before!

Realising that Singapore's roads+trees are gorgeous, that the variety of bus routes and transport efficiency are increasing, that policies are taking a good turnaround. Also discovered YWAM, Reverse (intl) Missions in the Methodist Church, and a film cafe called Pitch Black in Singapore. Wonder what more there is to be discovered...

2007-08-05T23:42:00.001+08:00

God is really faithful in answering prayers ba. :)

was struggling with a nonsense fit of emotions again, and really putting it to mind to cast it aside, ignore it, let mind triumph over matter/heart... but no matter how much I tried the facade of strength just slipped everytime I let loose a little. After it hit a low, though, God just strengthened me, and provided the little cheery things here and there to brighten me up. Felt abit misplaced a couple of days ago, but with different eyes today I found everyone just so endearing and welcoming. Felt like a loser in the week but with growing confidence I'm finding my place in the Lord again. I only pray it doesn't rest on tangible, fallible things like abilities and achievements again...

{and a spate of things recently just reminded me again of him, and how much I miss him)

2007-08-04T00:03:00.000+08:00

the irony about this week, is that I've been meeting a fair share of people I haven't seen in ages, but at the same time I realise how very much alone I am too.

perhaps, and I really think so, most of the inhibition comes from myself. An unwillingness to plunge roots deep because I'm moving away in another month or so. All this shuffling and shifting, and losing contact with people you thought were dear to you, it's creating a void of relationships regardless of where I go. I've met and known an incredible amount of people in the past 3 years; yet at the same time, at the end of the day, there's no one whose time I can feel confident of wasting just because, no one around whom I can be completely natural, no one with whom to share a soul.

A price to pay for the joys of wide-reaching but fleeting contact. And a lesson to learn - that at the end of the day, only God's love is permanent.

2007-07-27T17:00:00.000+08:00

Ahhhhh. Nothing like good ol' teh

there're things that I'm finding really endearing in Singapore. simple things - simple, beautiful things. A man checking on his rows of chicken eggs in a van; an old lady packing my 1kg of mangosteens; coffeeshop uncles gathering around for kopi and late night chats; cheesy beer girl outfits that probably once received flak for 'indecent' exposure and so have been through moderation, with confused results; the fact that life really centers around food, etc. I guess things don't have to be complex even though it's a city with materialism scribbled all over the pavements. If it's one thing I find repulsive since I'm back, it's a mega shopping complex. But aside from that there're lots more things here, and going to Changi chalet this morning was entirely refreshing. The sea, the trees, the rain, the breeze - I sat on the sofa of an open-air sitting hall, soaking it all in. Singapore can be really beautiful this way, I thought...

2007-07-26T00:54:00.000+08:00

'twas a meaningful day; I like today.

Had a proper time with God this morning, after a while of essay-mania, travelling and restlessness I think this is the first proper time I've intentionally set things aside to seek Him for an isolated period of time. And it was good; a lot of things got sorted, and having been reminded of the essentials I felt more... ready. For anything I s'pose - uncertainties, people, thoughts and emotions. The sense of numb existence and indifference towards people that I've been feeling for the past 1-2 months started to peel away and continued to do so for the rest of the day. I feel far more alive and able to love now; able to look at things from other people's perspectives, not just my own.

It's this sense of security and quiet confidence in God that He's reestablished once again. I don't feel the impetus to prove myself to anyone, to blag, to be too vocal for everyone's own good, to necessarily... shine. This sense of quiet assurance is enabling me to listen a lot better, and I pray that it'll stay this way...

And there's been quite a lot of listening today. Dad took me to his GP (who happens to be Lee Kuan Yew's brother, really really nice and sincere man!) for advice and medication on sinusitis and my still-slightly-swollen knee. Before that we had a nice filling lunch together and after the clinic I went up to his house for the first time, where I saw his workplace and Auntie P. It wasn't the least strange, and it was then I realised that I've totally climbed out of any sense of hurt or accusation regarding my dad, and I was truly willing to love and understand him. Going to his place was symbolic I suppose, a kind of entering into a private space with which I hadn't the slightest contact previously, symbolising not intrusion but a welcoming towards greater openness and intimacy. Dad and I were really natural around each other, and we talked about various things - his work, my graduation, people and relationships, food, etc. Auntie P was very eager to show that she likes and is proud of me as usual, but all in all I just feel really thankful that my dad and I have come this far over these few years by God's amazing grace. If he does move to Shanghai at the end of this year this might be one of the few last times I'll be able to see him, so I want to make it a point to spend more time with him this summer.

Following that I went to M's office at the school where I passed her a couple of cards and chatted with her, after which I headed over to the library to read for an hour-ish and then left again for the Chinese bible study group in church. Felt more ready to listen and learn rather than yak away; aside from that, I felt so much more open towards people and the relationships there. The numbness over the past 1-2 months have deadened my feelings and senses towards people, and when I was with them this evening I didn't have to put on a social mask of any sort because I felt genuine affection and warmth for and towards them...

When we came back mom and I started chatting about dad and various other things... and again God gave me the ability to listen (something I'm really lacking in a lot of the time). I did give my two cents worth at times, but felt a general desire to want to understand mom's perspective and thoughts not just because I want to be objective, but because I want to listen, to nod, to smile - to understand.

God answers prayers really fast... just yesterday I was praying with Shiao En about 1) listening & just being around family more, and 2)indifference towards people, and after that good morning time of being transparent with God things just changed! Was quite uptight and anxious about accommodation in London over the past few days as well, but there's just a growing assurance in me that 'oh well, I'll do what I ought to do, apply for accommodation and all - but God will give me what is best'. Oh yes, God has also provided another unexpected lump sum of money today, and it brought my account balance way up! *_* always amaaazed at how He provides!

Enough rambling now, go off to bed I shall...

2007-07-21T23:33:00.001+08:00

God is really really faithful.

I don't know how to put it in words except to say that since I'm back, everytime there's a true need of something He never fails to provide it, whether through 'coincidental' or unusual situations. For the various thoughts and worries that've been running through my head there's often always an answer in the morning when I wake up, an assurance of some sort; a statement that tugs at the root of it. Ps 46:10 for busy-ness of the soul and deep-rooted anxiety, Ps 45 for the lack of security, and so on. Once again I'm reminded that spiritual up-ness doesn't depend on the environment/country/fellowship nor on changing circumstances - God's the same always and forever, and the one thing I can always depend on no matter how much change there is around me.

I guess it is a relief to know where I'll be going for the next year after having been suspended for a week not knowing whether to prepare myself for NIE (National Institute of Education - teacher training!) or to slacken because London's two months away. NIE starts the day after - Monday, 23rd July - and that's really pretty soon after I touchdowned last week. The interview went really well, surprisingly; it didn't even feel like an interview. The panel was really easy-going and comfortable to talk to, and we laughed a lot. Got a call the next day which confirmed that I'll be sponsored for another year in London, so I'm really thankful for that. :)

Trying to find accommodation now, which is a slight problem. Meiyin has kindly offered to look around for me, and I've emailed Graham to ask for any host families from churches. Two of Ma's lecturers in TTC (Trinity Theological College) also studied at King's once, and recommended this pretty swanky accommodation college called Goodenough College (what a name) - problem is I need references for them and my York tutors seem quite unwilling to respond. After all it is the hols...

So I was pretty anxious. After all I am staying there for a full 1 year so I'd like a pretty place to stay. But I'm learning to be still and to trust in God's provision. He'll provide in good time!

Was worried about money here too. Made a new pair of specs (wrecked my 2 pairs and had to wear Shan's 200 deg specs for 2 months) and I need a HDD to store pics and music that're bursting out of my current disk space, but I haven't got alot of money now. Surprise surprise, Auntie Faith texted me today to ask if I were free on Saturday to help her with tuition - so I get $50 from that, and who knows how many more times I'll be asked to help? Also, today after dinner Pa gave me a surprise $200 for my allowance. Grateful, I feel really grateful. These provisions just land so graciously on my lap just when I need them. Right. I shall let go and let God regarding accommodation...

The agenda for these 2 months: read, read, read, piano, piano, piano; catching up, baking, sleeping. :) And other random stuff that come my way...

2006-10-09T04:42:00.000+08:00

Back in York -

www.ascheinuk.blogspot.com

ta!

2006-10-04T11:25:00.000+08:00

A quick update, because I don't think I'll have time to blog here anymore (leaving for York on Saturday) -

I feel God's protection over my heart, and I'm really thankful for that because He knows I've got to get this essay done. All I've been reading these couple of days have been about fixing my eyes on the unseen, not what is seen, because what is unseen is eternal but what is seen is temporal. About praying 'Your Kingdom come, Your will be done', about lifting my hands and voice in praise even if circumstances are dire. About surrendering. Remember a few weeks back when I started getting paranoid about losing a member of the family? I was being paranoid indeed, because I'd let fear creep in, but it was certainly God's timely lessons about the reality (fragility) of life and about Him having control of our lives. I kept seeing death everywhere, hearing about death everywhere, reading about death and life in the bible......

My mom came back from the doctor's yesterady; she'd been suffering excessive bleeding from the nose and this year it got especially worse because it wasn't just blood that flowed out. I didn't know about it till I saw it with my own eyes in the lift; she never told me, she never told anyone, 'cept maybe my younger bro. Anyway, with much persuasion she went to the doc's and scheduled a hospital appointment for the 17th this month, but the doc said she may have a growth somehow somewhere. I was having breakfast 2 days ago and she came home then from the doc's and told me about these, then kept silent and said that if anything should happen, she was really most worried about Wei. He's just 13, just 13, and we don't have any other head in the family; we both cried and she made me promise her that if anything should happen I will bring my brother everywhere I go, and I won't move in together with my dad because she fears his negative influence (which I understand).

It's just the timing of everything that's scary. It's not the first time 'death' has brought its lessons those few weeks ago; nearing the end of my term in York there were a few occasions of such as well. And after returning to Singapore I was suddenly fully confronted by many of the real issues in the family because my parents started to regard me as an adult. Things like the house, insurance, financial assets and financial planning, my dad's wife, parenting my younger bro, etc. I probably haven't a clue about all those yet, but I'm just wondering if everything's just being laid out in a timely way to prepare for my mom's final departure.

I prayed about it, and realised it was such a much-needed lesson. Relationships have always been my hold on the world, my sense of security and support, and the person I'd call the real pillar of my life would be my mom - something I had forgotten about and taken for granted. I had repeatedly told God in my 1st and 2nd years in York (the idea did flash across my mind) that I wouldn't allow it that He should take her away, that I wouldn't be able to bear it, that I believed He wouldn't be so merciless. But here God was bringing me face to face with His sovereignty and the real extent of His love - that it's independent of circumstances and relentless even if He should perform the unexpected - and the need for me to surrender. I kept turning to Him to ask what would happen next, and there was nothing except confirmation following confirmation of the fact that there is grief in this world, but true joy in the eternal, and true joy in heaven. After a day and night of painful crying and forcing myself to lift my hands up and sing praise, I finally, willingly, prayed: God, if You should take her tonight, I will rest in Your peace, knowing that You have the right to do what is best. And I'll praise and love you all the same. After saying that I felt an insurmountable sense of peace and stillness - I knew that God's in control.

My sense is, nothing will happen to mom within the next year at least, maybe even the next 2 years? But I don't know...

All I know is -
God hears
God delivers
God's in control
and God loves.

2006-10-02T23:12:00.000+08:00

I don't quite know how to handle this.

And if I really do lose her?

2006-09-27T21:12:00.000+08:00

Ah, the quietness of night.

I feel like a slob. Have been leaving clothes all over my room and my stuff scattered all around the house, and I don't feel like clearing up after myself. Feel. absolutely. lazy. and oily. and restless. and zapped out of all my creative juices. Does essay-writing do this to you? Don't have recollection of anything like this. Maybe it's essay-writing in Singapore that's doing this... And I haven't even actually started, oh boy. At least I've got some nebulous concept of what I want to write about. Exhilirating sense of "yessssss....." when I looked at my neatly-written paragraph points just before I headed for some nice hot bak kut teh at the coffeeshop downstairs.

Argh, the heat.

I was waiting for more pics of Perhentian to come before I blog away, but I decided it'll be too long before I get all of them (including the underwater ones) so I decided to type a post about it with a few pics, then upload more pics when they all arrive.

Perhentian!! *_* Ahhhh. The sun, the sand, the sea (so cliche right, hurhur). But honestly!! It was beautiful! Beautiful! Beautiful! The sun was reallllly shining down on us, and there were moments of rain threats but God blessed us with such beautiful weather, with rain at the right times when we weren't intending to head outdoors. Cocohut - we stayed in a hut with various other friends with the general name of 'creepy crawlies', but nah it wasn't that bad, just occasional moths in the bathroom. But the idea of staying in a hut was so quaint; it brought me back to memories at Sarimbun camp and OBS, though OBS huts were far larger and less cosy than the ones at Cocohut.

Cocohut has this restaurant built just above sand, next to the sea - wooden everything, including wooden planks for floors, big weird red Chinese lanterns, straw roofs, and such proximity to the blue hues of sky and sea. The green of the trees and mountains went so well with the blues; you can practically draw a box around a certain set of parameters, Select > Copy > Paste and that'll make such a beautiful realist painting (too much influence from my essay material on hyperrealism).

Plenty of opportunities to soak in the sun. Maybe too many - I got so chao ta (burnt) that after I came back practically everyone I met gave me an exclamation of shock and amusement. Yes ok, maybe I overdid it, but I wasn't trying to get a tan as much as I was trying to get an even tan. I failed, but through that I understood a bit more about vanity and its silly futility. -_- We were so blessed to meet this guy called Korie who was working part-time at Cocohut; he used to work at Redang and is really knowledgeable about beach-life, underwater wildlife, sea activities, and, it turns out, about much more beyond the sea. He slashed and prepared for us 2 coconuts - one old and one young - to eat/drink; it was quite an amazing sight 'cuz the only coconuts I've seen prepared for me are the ones in coffeeshops and hawker centres. Fresh coconuts by the sea, whee!

Korie brought us jungle trekking (a wee bit) but, mainly, snorkelling. It was my first time snorkelling so at the first sight of fish underwater I squealed and smiled, forgetting I was half-submerged in water, and consequently swallowed a gulp of brackish water. Ah! The fish! The corals! (they looked mainly dead. but there were nicer ones on the 2nd day) The water was so clear! And I felt I was flyinggg flyinggg.... I didn't know that you could float absolutely in seawater if you didn't move at all, though of course you had to be floating horizontally. Korie showed us Nemos, swimming about their anenomenamonmanoneme. After swimming about for an hour-ish, we waded nearer to shore and sat in the shallow waters talking, playing with sand (Grey sand, Matt, grey sand!) and soaking in the sun. Korie was fascinating because of his lame humour, how he carries it off so well, and also because even though his English wasn't good he had confidence expressing his views and opinions on various things. Really honest guy, really sincere, and to a large extent, I felt, really quite wise.

We went for more snorkelling on the 2nd day, but with a different guide. Lots of swimming. Tried to find turtles and sharks but they were all in a parliament meeting or something. Apparently one shark escaped and Matt and Heng Chin saw it, but Shiao En and I disappointedly missed it. The turtles, however, were entirely evasive and indifferent to the huffs and puffs of wandering, aggressive ang-moh (Caucasian) swimmers and 4 Asian snorkellers. Nope, no turtles. We gave it another try later in the night, when during dinner Korie so kindly invited us to wait for turtles to come upshore in the night. We walked around, waded in water, waited and talked for 2 hours-ish, but the turtles made a no-show. Shiao En was so disappointed that she dreamt of them. So did the chef who went with us.

The next day was our last, but we went kayakking in the morning after breakfast. Wow I really loved it, and it was such a different experience from kayakking in, say, Sentosa or Pulau Ubin. The waters there were so beautiful I felt like I was sliding across deep green glass floors. I shared a kayak with Heng Chin and we rowed across the peaceful (thankfully) sea, happily happily talking and soaking up more of the sun, splashing water into our canoes and on ourselves so we wouldn't be too hot...... after we returned our kayaks, Heng Chin and I waded in the shallows awhile more and talked...

The company, needless to say, was fab. Heng Chin and Shiao En have always been close sisters of mine, and Matt was always a bro with whom I can have conversations about many things. I haven't met them for quite some time and it's nice to re-live abit of York in a place so totally unlike York, to re-live the randomness, the lame jokes, the stories, random discussions, the fellowship. Interestingly, on the 2nd day I was struggling in my heart about a certain issue and I prayed, "God, send me a sister to talk about it." That night when we were waiting for turtles it popped up in the conversation between Shiao En and myself, so it was such a godsend. :) The other acquaintances we've made have rendered this trip particularly valuable too. Korie's a very special guy, and my heart went out to him when he was telling me about his heartbreak on the first day; we met this other guy called Harlim who's there on the island for 3-4 days for some diving rescue practice; the chef who brought us turtle-awaiting was very nice, tho I didn't understand a word he was saying; the Chinese waiter who served us from Day 1 was incredibly... smiley... and kind. The food, the food was awesome. It was a package tour, so we had 2 lunches, 2 breakfasts and 2 dinners, and each meal provided was smackingly yummers and filling.

Ah, so here I've returned to Singapore, trying to work on my essay, saying my last goodbyes to friends during dinners and various appointments in these couple of weeks... but it's so obvious that part of my heart's been left behind in Perhentian just as part of it's floating somewhere in York, just as another part's attached to various people and places. It's somewhere buried in the sand, washed into the seas, hidden with the hues of green and blues... and part of that with Heng Chin, Shiao En, Matt, and the pictures we all took, with the smiling Chinese waiter, with Korie, his heartbreak, all on the little sunny island of Pulau Perhentian. And with the turtles we never saw.

Thanks to all you darlings for making it lovely. -hugs-

2006-09-24T23:46:00.000+08:00

It's a good day. It was a good day. Experienced again what it's like to walk closer by Him, with His hand holding mine, His voice next to my ears

but I'm exhausted... by the time evening fell I was too tired to socialise, too tired, too tired, but unwilling to let that smile fall off my face

and after a while I start to feel zapped and contrived. perhaps it's just physical weariness.

It was a good day. but why do I feel so empty, so lost, so fake

and it's like a spiral inward chewing on my insides. the worms of facades

oh wells. I'll hit the sack soon. Will post about Perhentian once I've got the rest of the pictures.

2006-09-16T00:51:00.000+08:00

HALLELUJAH wheyy!!!

2006-09-13T13:41:00.000+08:00

Yeah yeah~ 我没事啦~

God's faithful and sweet as ever :) For the first time in ages I was able to pray with my whole heart this morning and it felt like the good ol' times in York when I'd feel the sweetness of God's love. As much as death and loss are scary, at least I know for sure that He's good and loving enough such that in times of pain, His love is greater than what I feel, and even through nasty circumstances - that's where His love is worked out

玄, and I don't profess to understand it either

but I know, I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives

2006-09-12T19:09:00.000+08:00

oh wow - I feel the heat and pressure of things, of new things starting to move their gears and start up a new phase in all of our lives, though some, admittedly, have already begun theirs. Getting more and more emails of "Hey when's everyone going back to York!!", and during various times of Thunderbirding I graced Lucy and Laura's emails which exploded with new addresses, contact details, Lille, France, excitement, uncertainty and a sense of missing everyone in York; a while ago it was Karen moving up to Oxford; and then there were other emails of late which resurfaced memories and faces of people I used to see pretty much every week - Meiyin, Heng Chin, Mike, Jen, Mark... the pressures of the essay and getting a 2-1 bring me back to times of mugging in York and projections of my third and final year. here I resolve to be a mugger when I return, but will I have a heart still and resolute enough to be one? I can't afford to play around with my grades anymore. But, ah, God, I need God in the equation, not just my own will and fortitude.

These two weeks have slowed down because I got off work about a week-ish ago. I know I was supposed to type up on it long ago but I've been feeling too lazy to do so. It was a good experience; I got to see things from the government and policy-planners' perspective, got to see how misunderstood they always are and how senseless people are in making complaints against the government sometimes. They always assume that the policy planners don't know any better and they don't know the ground - but most of the time actually they do and are trying to implement changes... only to meet resistance and disruptions from the ground itself. It's the teachers lah. If they're ill-equipped and unwilling to make changes in the first place, why does the whole world put the blame on the government? And about the exam system... yes, it's possibly the main factor which drives us all nuts, parents, teachers and principals included, but actually what's the force that's keeping these exams in place? Not anyone in particular, but possibly everyone as a certain collective force. I guess anything institutionalised is bound to have one foot in hell. Sighs. Ok, sorry for my rant! Besides all these, I had very honest exchanges with several colleagues, who painted a bleak but honest picture of a scholar's life and the reality of overtime and mania during teacher-training and the initial years of becoming a teacher. Ho hum. Was quite worried for a while, but hey, after praying I knew that since God has brought me to it, He'll deal with it :) Guess that's the confidence one gets from knowing God's will for certain. Other encouraging experiences during my internship at MOE included a prayer session and several encouraging talks with older sisters-in-Christ at the workplace; it's exciting to see everyone's nurturing and loving heart working towards the same purpose of spreading Christ's Love. Also I got to read a report of syllabus changes to be implemented by 2009, went on trips to a goat's farm (ha! like a school excursion indeed!), to NIE to talk to a lecturer and to attend a seminar briefing on research findings and syllabus changes to the NIE board of directors, etc. Feel quite honoured to have met this many 'important' people (no not the goats) at such a young age. Also I feel heartened that the education system (for EL at least) is gearing its pupils up for more reading and talking... hopefully the teachers will be trained well enough to receive the changes.

Pay rise for teachers, woohoo. You go, Tharman (Minister for Education).

Older brother left for Canada last week and the week before that was a week of sobbing and lots of wakeup calls. It was the week of hospitalisations (after my dad and grandma were discharged my aunt/godma was hospitalised for a bladder problem as well) and it really, really started to dawn on me how fragile a life was. Honestly, it got me worried even more for my non-plant-eating friends, because one thing all these people (dad, grandma, aunt) have in common is the fact that they eat lots of meat and hardly any vegetables. And having seen my dad spend such a bomb on his operation, and my stepmom crying her eyes out because of worry... sighs. Ailin dear, please start eating vegetables ok. At least for your friends and family around you. =\ But anyways, it was a week when God exposed my superficial level of love for my dad, because when he had a minor heart attack none of us in the family had the urge to visit him in the hospital. I simply showed superficial concern, and visited him only after 2 days because I prioritised other things above my dad's health. Leading up to the day we visited him, my bro and dad exchanged some nasty words over SMS, and they were words of disappointment, unforgiveness, accusations and hurt accumulated over the past ??? years. My bro came close to not visiting my dad, but we did on the 3rd day anyway. When we saw my dad he was grumpy and very obviously unhappy... later on he summoned the courage to tell us about his disappointment and the guilt just struck me so badly. He isn't a Christian, but later on he stretched out his hands and said, "Shall we pray?" The three of us bowed our heads and my bro and I humbly asked God and him for forgiveness... we raised our tear-streaked faces again and my dad was all smiles.

Then we had to deal with my mom back home... this incident brought back lots of horrible memories which she thought she had surrendered, but hadn't. God used it to reveal more of the unforgiveness and bitterness she had inside her heart, and one night it got so dramatic she came to me in tears and we prayed till she screamed and laid on the bed, sobbing. My heart was so broken as well... and thank God she was redeemed that night. I went to work the next day groggy and puffy-eyed, but she left my room that night recharged and renewed - ever since then family outings have been charged with even more peace and love.

Dad had a physical heart operation, but all of us had a spiritual heart operation!

Went to Pulau Ubin the other day to cycle, with my younger bro, dad and mom. It was nice. :) P. Ubin's this offshore island thingy with, err, more mosquitoes, foliage, coconuts and wild boars than the developed suburbia of mainland Singapore. My parents were so natural around each other. -grins and contented sigh- Answered prayers. Thank You God, what would I do without You?

And for these couple of days the bible passages have been a good reminder for me to look beyond myself and to look up to God. The same message keeps repeating from sermons, QTs, devotionals, people, etc. "God's in CONTROL of EVERYTHING." That is reassuring but it's also scary, scary because there're so many things I'm so unwilling to let go of. God's in control - of my results and my next year beyond my 3rd year, and not just that; God's in control of the way the new youth service's going to turn out, God's in control of the church politics and discontentment amongst many of the youth; God's in control of my life and the lives of those around me..... and this last bit is the bit I feel really burdened over. For the past 2 days, notions of death and life keep confronting me, not just in my thoughts but through the book of Job and the lips of other people. Notions of losing the people I love most dearly, especially of losing my mom, of losing my younger brother... they're haunting me so intensely. And I'm afraid. I'm so afraid to lose them. Thoughts of mishaps occurring with my younger brother keep popping up. What if it happens so unexpectedly one day? I don't want it to, I don't want it to......

Devil, be gone!!!

2006-09-06T03:43:00.000+08:00

I'm having a good time in Singapore, learning so much and meeting so many people, but but but but but but

I just miss the people in York so much nehhhh!!!!!! I miss Heng Chin I miss Shiao En i miss Matt and Rokey I miss Nagisa I miss Jen and Kirsten and I miss Michelle my twin sister I miss Beth Tash Lauren Lucy I miss Taffy and I miss Karen and Phillippa and Liz and Dave and I miss my Halifax team I miss Sarah Feathers and I miss Elim and Graham and I miss my room and I miss the lawn outside when it's summer and windy I miss sitting by the swings just reading and looking at people play frisbee I miss singing at OMNI I miss ......

'tis all but a pleasant dream now

2006-09-01T00:20:00.000+08:00

Ah! Ah ah ah! ! ! ah!! AH! I just watched X-men 3 and I've fallen in love with Jean Grey!!!!

0_0

Ah, gorgeous.

Anyway! Work finish liao lo! yay! Will type a post about my glorious work attachment soon... it's been an awesome experience and I'm so thankful for the past 3 weeks!
Happy Teachers' Day! hohoho...

2006-08-24T23:20:00.000+08:00

Been working 9-6 so I'm getting up at 6.40am everyday, and working on a specific project in MOE has been rather stressful albeit enjoyable. Aside from that the nights have been packed with most things like seminars and church and dinner appointments, so I've been quite lethargic and grumpy at times. Needless to say my QTs had to be done on the MRT (thank God it's about an hour to get to work so at least there's an hour) and at work so I miss the good old times of waking up and straightaway spending 2 quiet hours of the morning talking with Daddy. Took some time to get my receiving antennae tuned back to Him again (with all the busy-ness and distractions) and I'm so thankful He decided to talk to me again. So thankful. Aside from all these peripherals I've had to deal with family tensions yet again, this time with my dad hospitalised on Mon right after our happy happy family meal on Sunday. He had a mild heart attack, went for a heart balloon op today and has turned out fine. But that brought to surface alot of painful issues, a lot of lessons to be learnt, a lot of need for forgiveness and getting our priorities straight - and each of us had a heart operation ourselves, with God as the surgeon. and I'm glad that God has answered prayers over this family and is continuing the work He started... and bringing it to completion one day. Furthermore my grandma was hospitalised last week as well, tumours on her bladder and she kept bleeding... was operated on yesterday and after the first op had excessive bleeding so she went in for 2nd op, and thank God it went well. After she came out and awoke the first thing she said was, "praise the Lord" in Teochew.

It so hasn't been easy for these couple of weeks, and yes you're thinking "not again, why's it always like that?" I don't know myself? but I know God's good. Somehow my idea of Singapore being the reality and practical test of what I learn in York rings true yet again; yes there're tears and pain and all the old hurts and politics and frustrations confronting me face-to-face; old demons trying to sly their way through the crevices; memories of abandonment and hate and anger; but I'm so thankful, so thankful, that there's evidence of healing, evidence of change, of love in all of us,

and I really, really can't imagine a life without God.

Thank You Father.

2006-08-12T00:32:00.000+08:00

More pics!

Primary school outing! This is about 1/4 of my class from primary school; it's amazing we still keep in contact! :) We met at this cafe (Settler's cafe) where we had dinner and played a whole array of board games we've never heard of. Fun.

Elaine's 21st - had a BBQ by East Coast Park. Saw friends from secondary school, JC, even friends whom I knew outside during my sec school years... smallllll world of S'pore...

2006-08-10T22:58:00.000+08:00

Miscellaneous pictures from the past month -

Tim and I at the airport before he flew off

Jean (Sim)'s 21st birthday - she's the lady sitting down, one of my close friends from JC choir

Huimin's 21st birthday - another lady from choir; these are my choir friends from JC as well

Papa Sam and I at Huimin's birthday. he's a dear friend to me, always there when I need encouragement

Lots of baking heh heh heh

Pics from Elaine's birthday party and a pic from public policy seminar not sent yet. And hopefully there'll be pics of this Sat's York Singsoc tea session at Louis's. Off to read!

(thanks Tasha for that LOVELY text it was so needed!)

2006-08-10T22:51:00.000+08:00

Met up with Ailin this morning and talked with her proper for 3ish hours (we coulda gone on if I didn't need to rush off!) for the first time this summer hols, and it was massively encouraging - it reminded me once again of the real world God's called me into - not a world of merely familial brokenness or MOE or friends or me-me-me but a world of His kingdom, of His kingdom breaking through, of Him-Him-Him. And along with the verses I've been reading these couple of days, yes, I'm sick of having lived in my own little world for the past 1 month and I resolve to leave whatever nonsense I've clung onto, knock the dreamer out of my senses and be a woman of God.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Prv 3:5-6

2006-08-07T14:38:00.000+08:00

hippy happy hoppy. ^.^

It's just an exhilarating sense of joy knowing that God's protecting me, God's arranging every detail in my life just in order to shield me from any hurt, God's guiding my decisions and no matter what stupid mistakes I make God's always there to lead me back, God's love is enveloping me in warmth everytime I wake up, God's the 'Godfather' stronger and greater than any mafia leader who threatens to pulverise me, God's greater than my desires and greater than Satan; that if God is for us who can be against us? and in Christ we have the victory!

It's been an awfully cloudy past 4 days or so, when my heart and petulant wishes took over me to the point of being irrational and foolish. Wrong place, wrong time... wrong guy? wrong everything? Whatever it is I'm determined to leave it behind, enjoy life, enjoy God's LIFE, and put my mind, efforts and senses to the list of things I've always wanted to do at home:
1) Jazz piano jazz piano jazz piano!
2) read more Chinese stuff
3) Finish the Christian literature I have queuing up in my list of books
4) Sort out Master's stuff! Do I even have the right reasons for pursuing an MA?

God's LIFE - Wisdom says (Proverbs 8):

34 "Blessed is the man who listens to me,
watching daily at my doors,
waiting at my doorway.

35 For whoever finds me finds life
and receives favor from the LORD.

36 But whoever fails to find me harms himself;
all who hate me love death."

And I'm so glad that at the right moments, God orders the right people to be around me:
- it was FOP (festival of Praise) over the weekend at the Indoor Stadium; they invited CCC band from Australia and Don Moen to lead us in worship, and as usual FOP was massively liberating/encouraging. First time I broke down here about it, was crying 'cuz I was sick and tired of struggling with feelings when I longed to be faithful in heart to God
- Jammed and worshipped with Wei, my younger bro, from 8-9ish pm last night, it was awesome, I was playing the guitar and he was playing the bass from his own acoustic, thereafter we shared really openly and prayed for each other's heart to be right with God. He's such an awesome kid, he led me in a prayer, casting out all that was not pleasant to God in the name of Jesus. Just 13 but so mature!
- simple direct questions from Rokey opened my eyes to my own folly, that was so wise and much-needed, thankssss :)
- Talked to another friend after that because he was struggling with similar issues but worse, and it's so so encouraging that others are facing the same struggles and there're people who understand and won't judge me. After a time of prayer and sharing, both of us hung up feeling massively encouraged and comforted.

Opened my eyes this morning to the sunlight that shone through the cream-white curtains; felt like I awoke to the radiance of God's love and it reminded me of Steve's sermon in YCC one day - "every morning you wake up, you wake up under a blanket of God's love and warmth."

Went down for lunch with mom and older bro, and just baked a nice carrot cake with mommy. Simple pleasures and joy that God has to offer. :)

God is AWESOME. -muacks to all-

2006-08-05T15:04:00.000+08:00

my younger bro - shuai ge!

2006-08-05T01:06:00.000+08:00

Ah........................ it's just so... amazing to know that someone can be so so so brilliant and capable, and extremely humble and down-to-earth at the same time. so mature, so funny, so...

-_- This sucks. Huge crush. But he's leaving back to the States this Sunday... which wrenches my heart but at the same time is cause for praise because GOD does things wonderfully - at least he's shutting this door completely and I can concentrate on things that're worth concentrating on. Oh, but. Argh! Feelings! Bleargh!

Yes, enough juicy news la. I'm doing fine in Singapore, guys. :) Beginning to settle in and feel really comfortable at home; at least I'm used to the pace of life and actually taking time on my own to enjoy the trees, birds, skies, etc. I'm so thankful that it's not urbanised to the point of having no nature to appreciate - at least there're flowers by the road and trees and what-nots. And the sky! Sometimes when it's mostly clear (and hot) it's really beautiful. And I walked by Esplande (this art centre in Singapore; it's by a bay) tonight I really loved it... the smell of salty sea air and glimmering lights of the cityscape; tall skyscrapers and people talking by the sea... yes, I can say I'm getting used to Singaporean life again.

Church-wise - settling in too. These few weeks have been a lesson of being independent of fellowship/friends and being dependent solely on God. Not saying that fellowship is bad - far from it! - but I've become so dependent on serving and community in York that I don't see the true picture of my spiritual fervency till I'm in Singapore, where there's a lack of close-knit spiritual support. And that's why I seem to feel that I'm closer to God in York when that's not the case; I might feel so, but being back in Singapore's the true test of the depth of my relationship with Him. I find that there're so many things I need to be more obedient about, and so many things I've taken for granted... which is humbling and good, because it's teaching me to keep seeking and keep learning. :) God has been extremely faithful and guiding me step by step though, providing prayer partners and people to talk to at various appropriate times, establishing a new kind of transparency between my mom and I, and my bro and I (we connect so well now, and we're extremely close!!), rebuking me gently for various attitudes and thoughts, assuring me about His promises and love for me... ah, He's awesome.

Past 5 days have been quite tiring - went to a Public Policy seminar, organised by the Institute of Policy Development for government scholars. Mon-Fri, 9 am - 6ish pm ! It was really insightful 'cuz we were given broad overviews of our attitudes behind various policies, and it wasn't 'brainwashy' - I was well impressed by this fact! - because we were given space to vent our gripes, think of alternate perspectives, rebut and challenge the government's way of doing things. And we got to have dialogue sessions with various people from government departments, which was insightful. Paid a visit to social and prison centres too... and received a lot of information and insights on the education system. -wink- I'm proud to represent the MOE (ministry of education)! yeah, idealistic I know...........
But anyway, it's been AWESOME not only because of the info overload, I LOVE people and I've made tonnes of friends in the past week. Some of whom I just got to know and am getting along really well with - 3 other girls and I went to Max Brenner's for overpriced hot chocolate tonight and had a really girly talk... first time I had this kinda talk in ages. The names were rather daunting on the first day... MIT Cornell Chicago Duke Illinois Cambridge Oxford York Warwick Nottingham UCL Imperial Stanford myyyyy goodness........ quite a headful of brains contained in that one hall. scary.
Warmed up to people soon enough, and participated in discussions and debates quite actively. At a point of time I started asking myself again if I were being too 'boy-ish' (yes, as some of you deem me) for a girl, because I was speaking out more than a lot of girls in my group and being really opinionated and forthright about views, as I usually am... and there was a point when a couple of other scholars and I were talking about siblings and this guy asked me how many siblings I had. I responded, "2, both brothers" and he said, "ya, can tell" with a big grin. I wasn't offended of course :) But it got me thinking again about whether I was being too loud for my own good (and for the good of those around me). Started thinking, "huh? what ARE boyish qualities? Are good qualities like (aggressive)boldness and having an voiced opinion or even initiative be exclusively male? How sexist! But, nonono, please I'm not heaping praises on myself ok, I know I'm incredibly clumsy and unrefined in a lot of ways :P and I'd like to add a disclaimer that these are purely thoughts about what independent qualities are deemed 'masculine' and 'feminine' - and it isn't fair that good attributes have to be ascribed to only one gender, e.g. that 'human intuition' and 'sensitivity' are mostly associated with females. Well, yeah, it's true they tend to be better in these things, but it doesn't give guys an excuse NOT to be sensitive if you get what I mean. Point made.
YES, anyway, I was starting to think about it, when I opened my eyes more to see the other girls (not in my team) around me, and yeah! they were actively voicing out their opinions, taking initiative, being assertive in their points, and I realise - hey! it's not just a guy thing la. Was more assured I guess. heck care! Just argue la! :D
And it was fun! Threshed out so many issues about government policy and foreign relations and pragmatism and what-nots. First time I'm properly using my brain since the hols started... ha. Hm. And the organisers fed us so well! My goodness! Breakfast. Then 2 hours later it's lunch. And about 3 hours later it's tea. And oh my goodness it's really filling stuff they have - lots of noodles, carbs, rice, sugars, meat, fruits, etc. waaaaaa... stuffed myself for the past 5 days.

Ok.. enough about the seminar. What else happened in the past 3 weeks?

Met up with Wenjie on the night we sent Tim off. (3 of us have always been really good friends btw) Talked and talked... about random things, about faith, BGR, future paths - he's going to Michigan for uni in a couple of weeks - and it was awesome, I haven't had a chat with him for aggggggeeees and it felt so homely just to be able to share things with him. We sang and harmonised with worship songs with the guitar, then talked... till about 3 a.m., then we cabbed to the airport and met up with Tim and his family+church friends, then sent him off... here's a pic of Tim and WJ respectively -

Had dinner once with my dad and his wife (Xu Ping). Mom was abit uneasy about it, but I was at perfect peace with it, and I guess it was a diplomatic thing to do, so we went ahead for dinner anyway. It was good, conversation flowed, though there were a few awkward moments I'd say on general it was a good meal. Glad to see that at least my dad has someone to take care of him, although I know it's not a very proud thing to boast of (for men), this dependence on a woman... but anyways. It was alright, better than I thought it'd turn out. So it's good.

This follows on from one of the most difficult moments since I came back, and in fact, one of my most difficult challenges in my life even. For some reason my parents and older brother have treated me really differently this summer; they're now seeing me as an adult and my parents are telling me stuff they've never told me before - whether about the family situation, the financial instability and crisis in the family, their personal lives, their personal grudges and hopes, etc. I feel like back home in Singapore I'm forced to grow up - and I do feel it, I'm definitely less loony here than I am in York. I'm just not given many chances to be silly, I can't afford to - and it's stressful, but I'm thankful that my parents trust me so much more now. Basically, there was one day when I felt it all heaping on me; my dad asked me down for coffee and I met him downstairs in one of the coffeeshops... he started sharing about why he's intending to sell the house and his plans about relocating us, about how he intends to retire in China after repaying his debt, how most of his monthly income is actually going into repaying loanshark interest, and then as usual it delved into questions about my mom and how she handles her money, about past hurts and mistakes, etc. Man, I was praying so hard for the covering of Jesus' blood, for protection, because at certain points I was just tearing uncontrollably yet calmly responding to what my dad had to say. Of course I was standing on my mom's side........ but later when I went up I knew I had to provide a perspective from my dad's side. So it seemed to both parties that I was siding with the other. Which was painful, because I was trying not to, Matt's advice (thank you) was in my head right through the process - don't take sides, be peacemaking. And eventually after some time my mom understood where I was coming from and was peaceable about it, because initially she was begrudging the way I stood up for my dad. And.. ah, the whole process was painful. But I learnt so much. And while it was painful to have to grow up so suddenly, and deal with the microscale of adult politics, it was enlightening, and heartening, and encouraging to know that God's with me and with this family, and that both parents are trusting me to understand and make my opinions known. Rokey suggested in York that I find my dad to talk about the house issue for real, face-to-face, and I did pray that this opportunity arise.... it did! I didn't have to say anything, 'cuz my dad raised this topic of his own accord. So... yeah. But... oh well. After a week or so of griping and talking I think my mom finally grew to be at peace about it, and both of us are just letting it go, letting God take charge of this, and we knew ultimately that our house is going to be from God, our money's from God, this family's from God, and dad WILL turn to God one day (assurance given to both of us in our prayers).

God - it's yours!

What else? Grew closer to my siblings. :) Spent a whole day shopping with my younger brother for his shoes for his orchestral band performance, and randomly shopping for stuff at Bugis village. He bought a pink shirt, haha. He's growing up...! And it's amazing - his love for me, and transparency with me - he so willingly tells me about the girls that are going after him or the girl that he fancies and why, about his friends, teachers, etc. Although he's still really hush about the family situation. He's growing to be more aware about the state of the family now, but I'm stil praying for discernment for the right moment to reveal the right things to him... slowly, a bit at a time. But he's still really reserved and sensitive about not having a father around...
For my older brother I'm getting so much closer to him too. :) It's amazing. He's finally respecting me as his younger sister, and someone to talk to, we get into short conversations here and there, and he takes so much initiative to talk to me, engage me in thoughtful discussions and philosophy, bring me out to eat, etc. I feel so much more at ease with him, so much more natural. We went out to Balestier Road for bak kut teh (ribs and soup) a couple of nights ago with his gf and friends, and he did such sweet things like taking the food for me, giving me his barley drink, etc. Ahh! Such sweet love from an older brother! I'm so sad he's leaving in 3 weeks' time and I won't see him for 2 years!! -_-

Worship-leading... yes. Didn't do much of that in York because I was drawn into other areas, but I felt really led to this area in my home church. Did things differently this time and the band really had a fantastic time of worship before our rehearsal... but things screwed up here and there on the actual day. Including my heart. There was so much condemnation in my heart saying, 'you're useless, you're pathetic, you're a lousy worship leader'. The funny thing is, many many people came up to me after that with encouraging words saying things like, 'praise God! it was an excellent time of worship!' which was like, huh???? because so many things went wrong from a human point of view; my finger was bleeing profusely from careless strumming, the powerpoint hung, etc. but you know what?
GOD WAS MAKING HIS PRESENCE FELT.....
and that was all we needed! it was awesome. :) Thank You Daddy. Thank You Lord... amazing.

I can't remember lots of things. Oh wells, basically, a lot of things happened. A lot of thoughts streamed through my the stasis in my head, including master's - really don't know what I'll be doing or where I'll be going...

will leave it to the Lord.

-sighs-

2006-07-31T20:39:00.000+08:00

SOOOO many things to blog about;
I'm thankful for that 10+ day break off the internet;
there's been a lot of spiritual attack on many fronts over various issues;
significant moments including a meal with my dad and his Chinese wife, seeing Tim off which was heart-wrenching, leading worship for the first time in 9 months in a service of people that was split between a group that welcomed spontaneity and one that preferred the comfort of semi-tradition, a new kind of transparency between my mom and I, birthday parties;
I'm waiting for pictures to be sent before I do a full post of the past 2 weeks;
I'm thankful for your prayers, dudes and dudettes, it hasn't been an easy 2ish weeks;
but God is ever, ever, ever so faithful despite my own unfaithfulness;

His grace is sufficient for me, and His power made perfect in my weaknesses.

will post again soon! (I hope)

2006-07-19T00:47:00.000+08:00

-attemps the ineffable-

simply a face I haven't seen for so, so long... a face that brings back fond memories and tender affections, words that speak into my heart and melt it, except I really don't know what words mean anymore;
a time that stands still and moves ferociously on as we change and mature and see what the future portends;
there's still no talk of future, of expectations, of anything;
but this time it's silenced thoughts, not just silence;
Bittersweet symphony.

bittersweet...

and my heart rings so. gallops so - after the forbidden fruit
Wait, wait in My time --
Thank You Lord for teaching me to trust in You.

-staying off the internet for 10 days, so see you around only after that-

2006-07-16T23:56:00.000+08:00

Things aren't easy; I'm being over-sensitive, and being too accusing and self-flagellating at the same time, too prideful, too judgmental, too non-selective with words. Too frank. Too idiotic. too exhausted. Maybe it's just this exhaustion that's exacerbating everything, making everything look worse than it is, making self-pity the master of my own voice. I'm sorry that you had to tolerate my nonsense (and so thankful for it tho) on skype and I'm sorry, Lord, for being such a whining idiot when all I need to do is

rest, trust, rest in You.

please, Lord, please... help me to let go, to forgive, to love

2006-07-14T17:26:00.000+08:00

Oh my. And it goes to show how much institutions actually perpetuate and intensify our own madness without properly treating the main cause of disease in our very souls - the need for acknowledgement, the pain of loneliness, the desire for Love; because institutions are always man-made, always inflexibly and brutally cold, and make no room for the fluidity of aspirations, regrets and feeling. And thus we all sing a dirge for lost dreams, and hail the institutions as our kings - we sing, each, our Requiem for a Dream.

thankfully, we live by the Spirit, not by law

...... off to jogging

2006-07-14T15:20:00.000+08:00

Hm, actually for the past 2 days I realise there's so much I'm thankful for. Adjusting back to Singapore's taking quicker than it took last summer, when I had insomnia for a month and was emotionally quite a wreck most of the time. Also, there's a healthy affection and paradoxical attachment/detachment with the people and things here, perhaps it's in knowing that people, environment and customs change over time and especially in the transits from/to York and SG, things don't always remain constant. Then again, it's still rather early to say because it's only been a week (seemed like at least 2 tho?) and I'm still making my way round the scheme of things; it's still a tad bit blurry and I feel half-blindfolded still, but the Lord's my vision and light...

It's a nice feeling, this being alone at home while Wei's in school, Kor's at work and Ma's in college. Slept a ridiculous amount of 12 hours and dreamt of weird things like Sarah from Derwent CU and my older brother being political science coursemates in SINGAPORE, and me rushing to meet a deadline for a film project which involved actual filming and digital editing...... am not sleeping well still, but these things take time. For one, I'm not entirely used to the heat still.
But, anyway, this... feeling of quietness and peace that I miss about York is settling into life here in its own way. The symphony of voices might be slightly different - instead of ducks and student roarings we have sounds of automobiles and construction work and yes, the occasional song of birds, but pictorially it's still the same expanse of clouds painted on the sky's canvas by the Artist of all artists. Two different places, but the same Lord.

And finally this morning I was told to rest, just rest and stop fidgeting about which ministry I should serve in or whom I should meet or what I should do in order to keep my faith - because I can't do anything to keep it, and everything will come naturally once I just let go and rest in Him. letting go, letting go -

and there may be a ton of things to do and a list of items to tick off, but I'm doing it in God's rest. The list of things actually unfolding are somewhat interesting... going to Ministry of Education tomorrow (1 hour away from my house by MRT, bleah) to entertain JC2 potential scholars and parents in a 2-hour session at the main office, meeting a large group of JC friends tomorrow at a BBQ, and next week there'll be a fellowship thing that's not very different with YCCF; one that my mom's leading. It comprises of Chinese (prc) students around my age who're here doing their studies. It'll be interesting but a challenge I guess, in terms of language and befriending people, also it's going to be weird when people will know me as "惠英姐的女儿"...... but I'm looking forward to it anyways!

This peace is amazing. thanks to Daddy. On a random side note I am eating way too much than I ought to; I'm eating almost constantly and my bro called me a rodent. Which is surprising because I usually lose weight when I'm home. Ha. What am I complaining about? :D

ah. wheee. Hope y'all are doing great, wherever you are? -muacks- God wuvs you.

2006-07-13T00:14:00.000+08:00

Met Tim today for the first time in 9 months, but we met in a group of friends and played badminton altogether, so that was fine. Things are still abit awkward between us but it's not a bad awkwardness; it's more from caution and awareness of not drawing too close. It's good, because we're no different from just being friends now, and I like it that way :) Thank God. We talked for a while on the phone just now, just kinda catching up, and when we discussed our future visions and plans (while taking into consideration the fact that God may direct us elsewhere at some point of time) we realised that we'll be straying into totally divergent paths - him in Australia and I perhaps in China - and it wasn't just that but the awareness that we've grown to be so different now, that's making this friendship rest at ease. Because there're no expectations, no talk of any hopes, no talk of nothing, just friendship, fellowship, and mutual encouragement.

Yes, I like it this way. And may God keep it like that unless He wills otherwise...

2006-07-11T21:24:00.000+08:00

I guess I can finally say I'm settling into life here. Wei's playing the trumpet next to me and I really love the sound of it. And it's a conglomeration of many familiar sounds - songs from a Buddhist funeral downstairs, noise from kopitiams (coffeeshops), cars starting up, laughter from mommy, the squeaks and flaps of my older brother walking around on the house's marble floor...
For the first time today I took the MRT (the tube) since I'm back; went to meet Zing for some noodles at Lavender. And it was this, along with whispers and reminders from God in the past few days, that allowed me to touch base with the simple things of Singapore that I've always been fond of. Yes most Singaporeans can be cold, selfish and reserved in affection, but there're always exceptions and I'm glad Zing's the first friend I met outside of church. She's a wonderful sister and listening ear, and is such a comfort and reminder from God that spiritual support ultimately comes from Him, and there're definitely sisters around to pray and talk with.

QTs and 24-hour reminders from God about specific things were immensely encouraging and helpful. On Sunday I was pretty much struggling about adapting back home and was crying quite abit in service worship, when a voice struck me, What, you expect things to be exactly the same as they were in York? Then what do you learn? Ah, I was being silly and petulant. I guess there are greater challenges back home than there are in the cosy student-haven of York, but with those challenges come greater lessons and greater things that God's going to do! Verses that appeared in church that day were so timely too! Still, I returned home from church a bit lost as to how to start getting the youth in my church revved up for God; most of them grew up in a cosy 'Christian' environment and a lot of them serve actively in ministry, but when asked about spending time with God they say it's either non-existent or occurs only 'every once in a while'. Was abit disheartened by some of their responses to me too; some of them even looked scared or uncertain about me, as if I were a foreign particle, so I got clouded by worries concerning my place in the church, my source of spiritual support, and how I should serve without appearing like an overachieving holier-than-thou, etc. And God reminded me that all Fruit lies in Him, and once again I surrendered my anxieties to Him in thanksgiving when I know that I'm nothing and He's everything, He's the one who's going to accomplish it all, not me. :)

Had such a nice chat with korkor (older bro) yesternight. We chatted about all kinds of things like studying lifestyles overseas, general differences between Americans and the English (kor's going to the States for his Master's), and eventually it evolved into a discussion about religion and Faith. We disagreed on so many points, but because God had lifted my burden of unforgiveness long before I came back, I felt so much love for him and our conversation was natural, comfortable, and we were both so much at ease. He told my mom today that I've changed from last year, 小齐成熟了, and became less pressurising and more understanding. Could see that his attitude towards me has also changed this summer; he's become more respectful and natural around me. Praise God!

And Wei's definitely warmed up to me. We still have the connection we've always had; we talk about serious things (such as the number of girls having crushes on him hahaha) and do our usual loony dramatisations. We still have a connection in music, and one morning after our QTs he played the guitar and I sang as we both worshipped our Father in heaven...

And, mommy - remember my last post about the discomfort I felt towards her attitude and behaviour towards dad? I prayed about it that night and felt I should withhold expressing my opinion until an opportune time, and the time came the next evening when we were preparing dinner together. I don't know how our conversation got there, but it did, and as humbly as I could I told her some of my views and she understood where I was coming from. What's more amazing is that God had already told her prior to that conversation exactly what I was telling her - He told her that very night we had dinner, and the next morning, that she has to drop her defensive posture and allow God to protect her and her children instead of attempting it herself. I guess it was an amazing testimony to me because I was reminded again that all authority belongs to Jesus (Matthew 28) and in God as long as I spoke the truth in love there isn't much of a 没大没小 thing. And I'm glad mom sees me as an adult now. Was quite surprised that she let me out after 12 a.m. on the night of the world cup finals. Came back at 6 a.m. and she didn't say a word. If it were a year ago she would have been paranoid and disallowed...... yesss I've always been really sheltered all my life!

Settling in... but not entirely settled. Bits and pieces of me are left behind in York, and I'm not quite sure what kind of an attitude I should adopt towards home now. I get attached to places/people easily, and last summer before I left for York I was tearing convulsively at the airport because I didn't want to leave. Oh wells. Shan't think too far ahead. I love it that God's with me, and that He's never giving up on me. Awesome God. :)

2006-07-08T22:33:00.000+08:00

Dad's ingratiating himself with the kids, Mom's trying to prove herself a good mom. Dad thinks my mom is mercenary, competitive and boastful; Mom thinks dad is hypocritical, destructive, and putting up a pretense. How neh?

Went for seafood dinner with family (except for older brother who's sick at home), and I really really enjoyed the food. And tho, thank God, there wasn't open and blatant war, I just didn't like the way mom was dealing with the whole thing. 蛮反感的。但能怪谁呢？

God grant me wisdom...

2006-07-08T02:40:00.000+08:00

Has it all been so fast? We've all been saying it in our last week of term but the reality of it is so hard to grasp, and even harder when I'm back home again. Where everything began, the hurts, the expectations, the stress, the familiarity, the convenience, the dreams, the past and the future. I don't know what to make of the 'present' anymore, except that God reminded this morning that it's all about being content in the present, wherever you are -

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Phil 4:11-13

It's only day 2 and I feel overwhelmed with a never-ending list of things I have to do and people I've got to meet. I'm not complaining about going out; there's already been things booked up next week and lunches and a birthday party and pending socials and dinners with friends from all over, from JC, even from primary school, from church - yesterday after I arrived I got a text from Gaius about a prayer meeting on Friday, a text from Bi Feng, a dear sister, with whom I chatted on the phone later, and a call from Tim just to check how I was, but the call ended soon enough, probably he wanted me to rest or to settle down abit more before I talk to him again. Don't know. It's a good thing, this busy business, but... necessarily good? I mean, I'd rather be going out and meeting people than be idling at home, but I don't think my mom would be to happy if I go out all the time, I don't wish to go out all the time because I'd like to see more of my family, and thirdly, I have this strange apprehension about meeting people here. I don't know why. Fear of expectations? I know I've changed. But I don't want people to look at me like I'm an angmoh-fied freak. I've become a lot more open. But I don't want people criticise my liberalism. I've become a lot more reserved in some areas due to God's guidance. But people will criticise me for being dogmatic. I want to evangelise. But I have to stand up to scrutiny. And somehow I find myself plunging into a society that's inherently hectic, not because of the amount of things to do because in York I was incredibly busy yet appreciated and loved the slow pace of life - here it's busy, busy, and the pace of life is maddeningly quick. Can I choose to reject this mania and live a pace I want to live, in a society such as this? I can't bring myself to cook anymore because I find it such a 'waste' of time and resources when there're a million other things to do. And I find so many ugly sides of myself surfacing once again - a mean competitiveness, keen jealousy, a blase disregard for people if I've got tasks at hand - and I know these have always been part of me but they needed an occasion or environment to emerge, so it's not Singapore that's making it worse, it's the lifestyle here that's allowing God and myself to deal with true colours.

Another potential 'stress' factor is, really, in dealing with friends... I'm not quite sure where everyone's at anymore. I've lost touch with where people are at, spiritually/academically/emotionally or in terms of their communication style, etc. so I feel a bit lost. Guess I'll have to take time to get used to people/lingo/accents again. My younger brother - he's changed so much. I find it so much harder to talk to him now, because he's rather closed up, even his mannerism and voice and everything's changed... he's grown so much. And less loony. Am I losing touch with someone I've always had a connection with?

And him, well. Can't help but feel odd talking to him. Are we just talking for the sake of talking or do we really want to go further in terms of just communication? And when we do see each other, what do we say? What about in a group? In a group we each have a right just to subtly ignore each other because it's so easy to get caught up in conversation with others. What, then? Is there anything left of this friendship we should pursue? We should. Shouldn't we? But how? And I really don't get if he's being cold or just uncertain and hence deliberately distanced. All I trust is that we're both in God and whatever we do, we're both accountable to God. May God teach us the steps to walk and to walk wisely... I don't want another painful summer and teary farewell on the 25th. -_-

The airport pickup was odd. My older brother, dad and mom were there, but one can't help but pick up the tensions and unnatural mannerisms. My dad was acting funny. My mom was acting funny. My brother was... normal. But the dynamics were just off. Don't get me wrong, they were absolutely lovely with me, hugged me for ages and my mom was even crying. But they were just funny around one another, and I feel like such a little girl around them I'm not even sure what I ought to do. and I'm not sure what I'm getting into this time I come home, but I trust that God has it worked out and He's got a plan for me to love them, whatever may come. God grant me patience and wisdom...

Talked to Jia Wen just now, and she was telling me about NIE (National Institute of Education, where I'll be going after UK) and how it's CRAZY about projects and assignments and lots of crazy work due in. Sense of foreboding... look at the 4-hour weekly schedules I have in York - yet another sense of apprehension about how I'll be adjusting back home again.

Not to worry though... who of worrying can add a single hour to his life? I know my life, even future, here, is secure in God's hands. He's been speaking every now and then and comforting me about His purposes for me, and I'm heartened at least that even when I'm pathetically woeful He still loves me, tenderly, and comforts me. Still... I feel like I'm getting lazy about spending time with Him and listening to Him too.

Eesh. It sounds like such a negative post, and my first one at that. I guess I need a rant, and I've got to get back to sleeping early too. Feel ill-disciplined, and out of touch. But tomorrow's always going to be a greater day, and I'm determined to get out, do some exercise, read some books. One good thing about typing this post is, now I understand even better what God meant when he wrote through Paul:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-7

Thank You, Father, thank You. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.