has it been that long? goodness.

I've been so bad at updating this thing; then again, I've practically shut myself away from the world for a good 2-3 months and I'm only starting to see the light again. Have lost some weight, put on more eye rings; and realised how great the implications really are for my usual disorganised mess, over-love for freedom and from accountability, non-punctuality, deep insecurity about work and performance, and inability to deal with authority.

yes, and I realise the world outside of church really can't deal with other people's insecurities. what I see as pure, unabashed honesty becomes, to foreign eyes, signs of weakness.

A good gruelling 10 weeks of teaching practice. A good gruelling time, not just of work but of picking up and re-working at the relationship as well. I never thought I would have made it but God is incredibly faithful and strong. Drifted so far away from Him in this time but I'm so glad He patiently waited and watched, then lovingly brought me back to where He is again. <3

It's been such a strange two years. I've been comparing non-stop with the times I had - and the person I was - in York and at the end of the day I know it doesn't help. I was different in York, somehow; a complete opposite of who I am here sometimes. But perhaps the person that I have to grapple with at the end of the day is who I am today. It isn't a pretty picture, but at least it's real - and I'm learning to accept it.

I'm thankful, then, that God doesn't change. That despite failings and shortcomings 'He sees the depth of my heart and He loves me the same'. And, in a land starved of affirmation and love, and ridden with criticism, that Big Well of Love is the only thing that's going to sustain me and keep me sane. 'He rejoices over you with singing'.
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