My goodness, has it been about 2 months since I last posted something?

A variety of things have come and gone, with many things changed. Including myself who's been morphing with each day. Somehow I've become painfully self-aware, which is all part of growing up, but on the flip side it does lead to greater self-consciousness.

In a way this leads to a lot more caution and reserve with words. Words have never taken on that much significance in my life until this point, and that's possibly because I now realise how much power words have to give life (edify, encourage, build up) and to kill (destroy, criticise, judge). Another compelling reason is because I realise just how much emphasis I've placed on my own words for self-definition. Going back to the very basics, it's as simple as being worried over whether my jokes are more corny than funny, whether I sound really smart or really idiotic, whether I come off as being pleasantly child-like or foolishly naive. Also, oratory has always played a large part in building up one's reputation or perceived integrity/character as in ancient Greek and Corinth. In the similarly academic and rhetorical realm of undergrad English literature you could build an empire for yourself by smoking around with words. I now realise that in real society you can't. Well you can try to, but after a while these words will fall flat on you and destroy you. Interviews, presentations, initial impressions and promises all hinge on those words - but after a while when you let your empty self reveal itself through the curtains of those words you wonder if you're really fit for anything anymore.

The worse thing is - and I suspect that this is more true - that you really could be fit for something to begin with but along the way you've just lost confidence in your very self to carry it through. If I know that people are always going to fail, how then do I take their promises with constructivism? If I know that I will fail, what can I even utter?

I suppose growing up also encompasses an increasing ability to break free of that self-consciousness. I've really got to find a confidence that's not rooted in my abilities or appearance, but in God who's unshakable, unmovable and absolutely trustworthy in spite of my failings. God help me.
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